It’s been…a hell of a weekend. Life is starting to catch up with me, and to be honest, all I want to do is drink. Like…all I want to do. I’ve managed to abstain from slipping back into some bad patterns, but it’s been hard. All day today, all I wanted to do was drink. …
It starts with one drink. One, simple, weak, controlled drink. A seltzer, not even a real drink. I was grieving, I was sad. I deserve this. Then, it was two. Because one drink never stays one drink. Two seltzers. They don’t count. It’s not even a mixed drink. It’s not a cocktail. It doesn’t count. …
The past few days, I’ve been having a pretty hard time again. It’s been 2 weeks or so since I’ve been to therapy, and I’m going back next week….But that 3ish week break since having the baby is the longest break I’ve had in a long time. And I really need to get back. I …
It’s not his job to keep me sober. It’s not his job to make me happy. And it isn’t his job to make me okay again. There’s a little boy, he’s 6 days old now. And I love him more than anything. Not more than his brothers, but just as much. This little boy has …
My days of this temporary “normalcy” are nearing over. A few more days..a few more weeks, and everything is as it was. All I can think about is drinking. All I can think about is the way things were. Things were awful. It wasn’t fun for me, drinking how much I was. Waking up every …
Remember that brick wall I painted for therapy a few weeks ago? That brick wall of addiction? Well, part 2 of whatever we’re doing with that wall was to fill out and label the bricks. To identify what my brick wall is made of, of all the thoughts and feelings and actions keeping me stuck …
I’m literally sitting here writing in my journal right now. I’m mid sentence, and a thought that I don’t think I’ve ever had came into my head. If my husband asked me to stop drinking, like, if he told me it was a problem for him, and he’d leave me or he’d hate me or …
The first(?) step towards breaking down this brick wall that I’ve built around myself is to just admit that I cannot control this. I have no control over my addictions, over alcohol…I just can’t control it. That’s the focus in therapy right now. Just simply coming to terms with the fact that this is not …
Therapy last night went…almost as well as it could have. Thankfully, we seem to be back to normal, and there isn’t any of that uncomfortable tension or awkwardness between us anymore. Now, it’s just back to the regular awkwardness and anxiety. Hah. Mostly, we talked about addiction, and what the fuck I’m going to to …
Well, I had a very familiar, very scary mindset set in on Friday. I had just gotten the kids to bed, no one else was home, and I was getting my own dinner ready. Then, as I was standing there at the sink, I saw it. An open bottle of wine….just sitting there. Speaking to …