I feel better today than I did yesterday. Today is my husbands birthday, so I have him to focus on. I’m glad to be with him and celebrating him, it gives me something more positive to focus on. Last night, right before we went to sleep, I asked if he would still love me when …
This morning got off to a very bad start, which does nothing to help my already….sensitive…state of being. We should say sensitive instead of suicidal, right? Okay. Good. My 5 year old did something impulsive and kind of dumb, didn’t get enough sleep, and is in a particularly difficult kind of mood. The sad, crying, …
Driving home from therapy with a blurry field of vision is never what I hope for. Fighting back the tears, fighting back the emotions, fighting back the urge to kill myself… it’s like that’s when it hits me. Driving home, later at night, when all I want to do is give up. The pain is …
Lately, I have been feeling particularly trapped and defeated in this seemingly impossible life of mine. Everything that I’m currently going through and having to deal with feels incredibly…..fragile, handle with care, if you will. I don’t want to talk about it, because frankly, I suck at verbally expressing myself on any given day, and …
I’m not going to do it. But I really, really, fucking want to. I need to drink. It’s a need, it really is. It’s more than a want. I’m triggered, I’m hurting, and I want it to stop. I want the only thing that will make it better. People have a drink on occasion while …
One of the things that I struggle with is anticipatory grief. Basically, it’s the feelings of grief occurring before the loss, or whatever hardship it is coming up. It’s a valid thing, and it’s real, but it sucks. Yesterday, in therapy, I guess we focused a bit on that. With my birth sons birthday coming …
I am feeling…particularly down tonight. I’m feeling every kind of hopeless that there is. I’m overwhelmed with so much fucking numbness and insane grief and pain all at once. Grief over the current situation that I’m in (my birth sons birthday coming up next week), and the future ones that I’ll endure (my kids likely …
Lately, I find myself feeling very down about myself. I just don’t feel good about anything. I don’t like how I feel, I don’t like how I’m acting because of it…and I don’t know. It just leaves me feeling really pretty worthless and like I have no value..nothing to offer. I guess it feels like …
Does being pregnant give me a pass for being a little bit more emotional lately? Yes? Okay, good. Let’s get started then. I have therapy tonight, for the first time in over a week due to spring break. Usually, I have therapy twice a week. On Tuesday’s and Friday’s. I hate breaks. It’s never good …
Now, as someone who lives with a considerable amount of anxiety, especially social anxiety, the idea of willingly walking into a brand new group of people, of which I know none of, alone…I mean, it’s the definition of terrifying. I deal with anxiety by drinking. Shit, I deal with everything by drinking. Hence the need …