It didn’t happened if you drink enough to forget. It didn’t happen if you block it from your mind. It didn’t happen if you so convincingly tell yourself that it didn’t. It didn’t happen if it doesn’t seem like it even possibly could have happened. It didn’t happen if it seems like you’re making too …
I’m upset this morning and I don’t know why. Tears are close to flowing, a rarity for me. There is no reason to be upset. It was a good morning. My husband even woke up a half hour earlier than usual so our morning coffee time together could be longer before we get the kids. …
You’re mind can’t fuck you if it’s silenced. The nightmares can’t scare you if they don’t exist. There’s no fear in closing your eyes if you don’t make the choice to close your eyes. Another drink will take it all away. Will strip you of your choice. Thank god. I can’t take another night in …
The nights are lonely. The nights are liars. It tells me everything I’m afraid of. The nighttime tells me I deserve the pain. I deserve the suffering. It reminds me in my nightmares. I’m lucky if I go a night without screaming in my sleep, waking at least one person up. Last night I wasn’t …
He’s only 4. He’s brilliant and capable. He can drive it himself. Today when he woke up, he knew it was the day. He’s been eagerly awaiting this day since he first got measured, first knew he was getting one. It was a “milestone” I had put off. My son needing a power wheelchair felt …
What does it mean when I honestly don’t know what’s okay and what isn’t? I know the difference for other people, there is no grey area there. I know how to treat other people, I can clearly see the boundaries for anyone but myself. I have a firm grasp on right and wrong, appropriate or …
FUCK. How much no is no enough? I was uncomfortable. I was touched wayyyy too much. For the first time, maybe not really the first time, safe felt very unsafe. I kept trying to get away. I didn’t want to be touched. No part of me. Not my hand, not my foot, definitely not a …
He took the boys out this morning. I should be grateful, and I am. Finally, a moment of peace for the first time this week. A chance to catch my breath and just breathe, exist in the stillness. But it doesn’t feel good. It feels lonely. It feels isolating. These quiet moments are exactly what …
I have a hard week coming up. Most of my weeks are hard to begin with, but next week we’re going to be entering some new territory, and I’m just not ready for it. I don’t know how to talk about it, I don’t think I even know how I feel about it. The reality …
One of the ways I cope with the instability…and overall shitiness of my reality, is to throw myself into loving and caring for…anything. I’ve got my husband and my two boys, but that’s not exactly enough sometimes. I have a tendency (which my amazing husband supports and lets me do with very few limitations) to….get …