Alone in the worst ways

Sometimes, you just need to take a minute to feel all of your feelings. And that was me last night. Somewhere abound 11:30 last night, I just broke. I felt as alone as I actually am. And I allowed myself to feel it.

Instead of texting my best friend, being upset with her because all I WANTED to do was text her, I wrote it here instead.

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“I’m mad at you because I fucking miss you”

It’s 12:06am. Admittedly, I’ve been crying for the last few….however long the units of measure we use at nighttime are.

I want to text her, the person who is making me feel this vulnerable, this upset….this broken.

She’s my best friend.

Isn’t it her job to be there? To fix me?

To at least respond to a fucking text?????!

But she’s not. She’s not there. And she hasn’t been for weeks now.

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I’ve gone through the WORST. Worst. Few weeks and months of my life now. And I don’t say that lightly.

Short of the weeks following placing my son for adoption (9 years and 47.5 weeks ago), this has been the most challenging period of time of my life that I can remember.

Starting some horrible things that happened before our trip, and then going on our trip to the NIH, then coming home and a few days later, my husband getting hit by a deer, totaling his car and leaving him with really serious injuries, then everyone getting Covid on top of that, and, to top it all all, my husbands dad dying a few days ago. And more. Those are just the highlights.

(Oh, and all the kids have NASTY sinus infections left behind by Covid. So that’s been great too.)

Having only one car has been a nightmare. Truly. And there’s no end in sight for it. Our financial situation is, once again, actually terrifying. All of the above mentioned circumstances have caused by husband to miss a LOT of work, and he burned through it his PTO a long time ago. He’s had WEEKS of unpaid pay, which has killed us, as a one income family (with 3 special needs kids).

My 5 year old son has his official autism evaluation on Wednesday, and while I’m extremely excited (and also anxious and nervous) for him to be formally evaluated…this is NOT something that insurance covers. And do you know how much these evaluations cost?

Thousands. They cost THOUSANDS of dollars out of pocket. Half of which has to be paid up front, and the other half within 60 days.

And do you know who currently doesn’t have thousands of dollars of room on her credit card right now? This guy! 🙋🏻‍♀️👈🏼 (it’s me. I don’t.)

Just…another stressor. A HUGE one.

Today is Monday, and usually, Mondays are my therapy nights. This week, however, is not. My therapist is away until next week, leaving me more or less completely alone in my thoughts and feelings.

Last night I was ALL up in my feelings, and I absolutely broke down. Alone. In my bathroom. Crying and feeling all of the feelings. Wanting to text my best friend. Wanting her to be there for me. Just….I need support right now.

I’m angry with my best friend because I need her too, and she’s just not been there. It hurts. So, yeah. I had some big feelings about it.

My husband is doing his best, I think. But he’s clearly been in a funk since his dad died…understandably so. But I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where to turn, or who to turn to.

I feel so alone. Because, really, I am alone.

I don’t want to burden people with my big feelings and emotions this time of year. My birth son’s birthday is in just about 3 weeks. It’s destroying me.

My capacity to deal with life is significantly diminished this time of year…and yet, here I am. Dealing with WAY more than I can handle.

My cup is empty.

I am burnt out.

I feel so alone.

And I just need a little bit more right now. I need to stop. I need to rest. My body and my mind need to rest.

At least my husband is home on bereavement leave for the next few days. It’s spring break this week, so at least I don’t have to drive everyone around.

Great.

One win for me….