It’s hard to tell a story you don’t like

Writing isn’t my job. It isn’t a requirement. I don’t get paid, I don’t necessarily get anything out of it (other than organizing my thoughts and hopefully finding support)….and yet, I do it. Freely and willingly.

Some days are harder than others. Sometimes I have more to say, and the words flow freely….and sometimes, I just don’t know how to put it into words at all.

I think, perhaps, someone who I admire recently said it best.

It’s hard to tell a story you don’t like.

He goes on even further to say –

“…I offer two additions:
It’s hard to accept a story you don’t like.
It’s hard to change a story you don’t like.

Or perhaps:
It’s hard to accept the things you cannot change. It’s hard to love a story when you don’t like the scene you’ve ended up in. And it’s hard to do the work it takes to change. Because you will have to face something harder than the past. You will have to face the present.”

https://open.substack.com/pub/jamietworkowski/p/wish-i-was-here?r=2as973&utm_medium=ios

—————

Jamie’s words spoke to me, as they nearly always do. Sometimes stronger than always, but his voice, his words, are always in my head.

And that line.

That one line.

Kept replaying over and over and OVER again in my head.

It’s hard to tell a story you don’t like.

I’ve been having a hard time writing lately.

Not because I don’t have a lot to say…not because I don’t need help or support…and not because there’s nothing worth saying.

But because I don’t like my story right now. It isn’t sunshine and rainbows and puppies and ice cream.

It’s more like…hailstorms and lightning strikes and goat poop (a lot of it) and baby poop (even more of that) and ….yogurt. (If you know me, you know how highly detestable I think yogurt is.)

This chapter in my life is a hard one. And the thing about stories is…you don’t know how long each chapter lasts. You don’t know when, or how it ends. All you can do is keep going until you find out.

There are parts of my story that are keeping me going. My insanity in getting goats a few weeks ago…they have kept me INSANELY busy. I’ve been completely exhausted, dealing wish sick kids on top of that, and just…tired. Personally, I drink less when I’m that level of exhausted. So…that’s been good? I guess?

We’ve been working on building their permanent enclosure on our land. It’s the first thing we’ve ever done on our land, and it’s been exciting to finally DO something with it. Right now, the goats are in with the chickens and ducks, minus the 2 tiny babies in my room, but we’re moving them to their own larger space.

This is the part of my story that I like. Despite one baby goat absolutely fighting for his life…they are the shining part. But even the shining part is hard.

And that’s a story I don’t like, and don’t want to tell. Despite doing EVERYTHING possible, I don’t think baby goat PJ has much longer to live. 3 rounds of antibiotics, 2 vet visits, no one knows what else to do. He looks more pitiful than ever today, and it’s been hard. Heartbreakingly so.

It’s hard to tell a story you don’t like.

But maybe you have to anyway. Maybe…maybe telling the hardest parts of your story is what gets you through it.

And maybe you can’t make it through the murkiest parts without telling your story. Maybe someone else needs to hear it.

And maybe you can’t go through it all alone.

I know I can’t.

I’m struggling right now. I’m struggling with my story. And I’m having a hard time telling it. Sometimes, I wish I didn’t have to. I wish that it could just be…known. Without the pain of talking about it. Or expressing it.

Some people are like that. Some people know without you having to say the words. My best friend is. Was. I don’t know. I’m still struggling with that. My therapist is too. She knows. Or…at least I think she does.

If writing ever feels hard, it talking ever feels hard…those are the times to push through. To do it anyway. It doesn’t have to make sense. Do it anyway.

That’s what I’m doing.

Writing when writing is hard.

Talking when talking is hard.

It won’t get better all stuck inside your head.