Nothing and everything

Effective communication drastically reduces the occurrence of being surprised and confused by another persons actions.

That’s the situation I found myself in last night.

My husband and I drove to therapy together, as we have been since being down to only one car. Both of our therapists are in the same office complex, so he’ll go to his, and I’ll go to mine.

Except….he didn’t go to his therapists office…he followed me to mine.

Long story short, I was extremely confused and upset, but he and his therapist apparently decided to move to having sessions every other week, as opposed to every week.

But he came with me to my therapy, despite not telling me the situation…which just caused a whole storm of anxiety within me.

Now, I don’t mind when he comes to therapy with me. We have a lot to work on and talk about.

However, it isn’t necessarily something I want to be surprised with. If I’m going there with the intention of having my own 2 hours, it’s a hard shift to suddenly realize I’ll only have an hour, or even more time with just me.

Last night we split the time, so I went in alone for the first hour, and he came in the second hour.

We’d have a kind of rough week, so it’s not like it wasn’t needed.

I was already going in there emotional. And kind of heated.

The first hour, we talked about my birth son, and his birthday coming up.

How I’m not okay. How I don’t know what to do, or how to survive, or how to function.

We talked about my son, and his autism evaluation report that we got back last week.

When my husband was there, we talked about what happened on Sunday morning, how he hurt my feelings and made me upset.

By the end of it, I was seeing blackness. It was like I couldn’t see anything, couldn’t feel anything…my brain and my body were 2 completely separate beings.

Driving home felt like an out of body experience.

On one hand, I felt nothing.

But on the other, I felt every very specific thing my body was touching.

My foot on the pedal. My elbow resting on the middle compartment, my thigh sticking to the seat…and my heart. Which was pounding.

This time of year just…damn. I’m not okay.

I feel so broken. So dead. Nothing feels real or fake. It just all feels….empty.

I’ve never felt quite so…nothing and everything leaving therapy.

But it was awful.

I know I can’t really put into words exactly what I’m trying to.

I think maybe it can just be boiled down into the fact that my body is shutting down in response to the significant emotional strain I’m under.

I don’t feel okay.

I feel like all I’m capable of doing is laying in bed and dying.

All I feel is pain. Yet, at the same time, I feel such nothingness.

I’m not okay.