Empty beds

It’s day 4 of my 7 year old son being in the hospital with respiratory failure due to a severe asthma exacerbation coupled with muscular dystrophy.

I’ve been there for every second of it. He hasn’t been stable. I couldn’t leave. I wouldn’t leave.

Tonight, I came home.

I needed to shower. And sleep. And have some freaking peace for just half of a second. No beeping. No nurses. Do you know how hard it is with someone coming in the door about every minutes?

I can’t go to the bathroom. Or shower. I can’t walk away, because I’ll miss something.

But tonight, I switched out with my husband.

Just for the sleeping hours. I’ll be back at 6am.

I miss my other 2 boys like you’ll never know. I hear Atlas in the background excitedly yelling mama! every time we’re on the phone. They miss me as much as I miss them.

I’m home now. But they’re asleep. And I’ll be gone before they wake up.

My monitor pans through each of their beds at night. Alerting me to who is moving, who is making sound…who needs me.

Tonight, it switched camera views to his bed.

But it was empty.

I’ve been with him in the hospital, where, for a long, long while…I feared for his life. And still fear for it.

I’ve been right beside him.

I haven’t felt the emptiness. The loss. The hole it’s created within our family that he isn’t here…until now.

His bed is empty. He isn’t here.

I’m scared for him. And this week…we were all brutally reminded of just how fragile all 3 of these boys are.

He isn’t out of the woods.

He’s improving…..at a snails pace. Still on high flow oxygen. Still struggling.

And still can’t get out of bed without completely losing his breath.

His battle has just begun.

I’ll continue to be there every step of the way.

But seeing his empty bed?

I hope I never have to see that again.

They all belong here. With me.

I have 4 boys.

3 that I parent. And one that I love with my whole heart from afar.

But I’ll be dammed if I lose another part of my heart.

I need my son back in his bed. At home. With all of us.

I miss my husband. I miss my other 2 boys.

This is the most lonely and isolating experience…hospital stays.

But he needs me to fight for him. And I will.

I just need him to get better.

And come back to his own bed.