Burnout, but no breaks in sight.

This whole summer break thing is just so not it. It’s been a week. And we’re all going insane.

Having 3 kids not only just with physical disabilities…but also with 2 of them having pretty severe ADHD amongst other things…phew. It’s kicking my ass.

Last night at like 8:55pm, I half jokingly, but half not, told my husband “let’s go to bed”. He was all about it, and did anything he could to actually make it happen. So we took our special sleep gummies and actually fell asleep by 10. Yes, it takes over an hour for all of that to happen, but hey…it’s better than going to bed at 1am!

That’s depression for ya though, the nights that you don’t even want to drink, and you’d do anything to induce sleep.

I don’t really have the energy or motivation to do much of anything right now. My husband and I are hanging in there with each other…but we both have short fuses and are very easily triggering the other one with something that they’re doing or saying.

I basically feel like a failure with everything I’m doing. As a mom, as a wife, as a friend…I just feel like I fuck everything up.

I need a break. From the caregiver role. From being solely responsible for everyone’s needs. Both physical and mental health wise.

From constant therapies and appointments and all of the back and forth and taking EVERYONE everywhere, including my husband to and from work because all of our freaking cars got totaled and turned our lives upside down.

No, I’m still not over it.

I’m at this constant war with myself between wanting to do more, do better, give more of myself than I have to offer, and just giving up and running away.

I feel depleted. And I feel like nothing will ever get better. I can’t carry the weight of the entire world on my shoulders. I need to share the weight.

And I just don’t know if that’s even possible.