Proceed with honesty

Another morning met with contempt.

For myself, for how I feel, for both my bold choice of words lately, and yet still the filter they live behind.

Tonight is Monday, which means it’s therapy night.

And I have to tell you, I’m definitely feeling some type of way about it.

I’m feeling on edge. And protective of my heart and my feelings.

My walls are higher than I want them to be. But I know they can come down just as easily as they shot back up.

I want to be trusting. I want to be open. But that doesn’t feel like an option for me right now. Not when I keep putting myself out there in a really vulnerable way, only to feel like I’ll get my head chopped off.

The times when I feel the worst, when I’m so ready to be done with it all, all the bullshit, all of the…all of it…

It’s scary. And it shows up as angry. But maybe I really am angry. Maybe I deserve to be a little bit mad. Or maybe it’s just the easiest emotion to work with in a complicated situation.

I know I’m being vague. I’m choosing my words carefully. I can feel it. And I don’t know why.

I think I’m just….frustrated.

I am ready for this part of my life to change. To be done. I feel really ready. But, as I’ve said, it’s not something that can be done on my own.

Unless I’m just that weak. That awful. And that incompetent.

I don’t know how tonight will go.

I’m feeling on edge, and my walls are up.

I have a lot of anger. Not towards her, but in general. I kind of just want to scream.

Honestly, I feel like I need 2 hours (or more) of just fucking venting about how pissed off I am. How unfair it all is. About how unheard I’ve been feeling.

And even more honestly? Maybe I’m the one in the wrong. Maybe it’s me, I’m the problem, and I shouldn’t expect or have any hope that I would be heard or helped or supported. That’s fine too.

I have so much to say. So much I need to get out.

But I have a lot of doubts that it will come out in the way that it needs too.

Proceed with honesty? Yeah, I’d like to. But I think, maybe…there are two versions of my feelings that are equally honest.

The angry, frustrated, I kind of want to scream at the world version…..

And the please help me, I’m scared and want things to be different and I need help to get there version.

Both are true. Both are honest.

But shutting down might be the easiest path of them all.

I guess we’ll just see how it goes.