Nightmares are a common theme of my existence around here. A night without nightmares just doesn’t happen. Some periods of time are worse than others, but I can never fully escape their wrath.
When I was growing up, I had recurring nightmares with some pretty dark themes. In adulthood, I’ve had periods of time with similar dark themes…fire, bombs, being trapped or unable to move, like my body is physically paralyzed….its brutal.
The past few weeks, my husband has died or been dying. Every night. Always in different ways, the scene surrounding the common theme is different…yet still, every night is panic and pain and fear.
I can only assume the symbolism behind it. There’s a lot of change going on right now, a lot of metaphorical death. My therapist moving, possibly feeling insecure in all of my relationships and feeling unsafe, literally almost losing my husband 2 times just weeks apart in 2 separate car accidents, my 17 year old dog facing health issues for the first time and fearing for her and her life…there’s a lot.
Every night I lay down and close my eyes in an attempt to sleep, I have to face these fears. I have to willingly accept the horror that is about to come my way every single night.
Going to sleep has always felt traumatic for me. Like, I’m actively choosing to endure pain and anxiety and terror, simply by allowing sleep to occur, and inviting the nightmares to start.
Ironically, my bed is where I feel the most safe. I’m physically comfortable (well, as much as a person like me possibly can be), I’m more relaxed, and I just feel…more safe than I normally ever do. So, why then, is that same place the source of so many horrific experiences within my own head?
I’ve found that I have a significant increase in nightmares and worse when my real life events and anxieties get harder and worse. The less safe I feel, the more horror I endure in my sleep.
So many nights I tell my husband that I won’t go to sleep because I don’t feel safe. And I won’t. I’ll stay up, usually drinking until it isn’t sleep, but passing out.
These are all things that have plagued me, basically forever.
Today I woke up from the nightmares feeling more shaken than usual. More on edge and anxious than usual. I knew what caused it and why I was feeling so off.
But instead of leaning into that feeling, I’m writing about it and releasing it.
Today, my nightmares don’t win. They don’t define me. And they won’t ruin my entire day.
Today, I’m choosing to move forward, and shake the horrible feeling that nightmares leave me riddled with away.
Today might end up being a self care day, which is exactly what I need anyway.
I don’t have to lose the fight. Not today.
Nightmares plague me too at night, I hate them, I love your positivity in this post, despite the nightmares, your gonna keep fighting, way to go! I’m thinking I’ll do the same!
🩵🩵🩵
My bed is the same for me, my safe space, but also where I toss and turn through many a sleepless night. My dreams also reflect my state of mind or level of anxiety.
They saw dreams are a reflection of unresolved issues and anxieties so it really isn’t surprising that they increase during those times of higher anxiety. I guess it must be worth it to address things as they come up 🤷🏻♀️😅