Endings only lead to new beginnings

Well, I did it. I got through it.

Was it every bit as brutal as I thought it would be?

Erm, to be very honest, it was quite a bit worse. At least, the beginning of it was.

Let’s back up.

Last night I had my last therapy session in the office, the room, I’ve come to know and love and trust for the past 6ish years. A day I’ve been dreading since I found out about the intended change.

For the past 3 or 4 weeks, I’ve been…feeling a bit rough. I’ve been negatively anticipating this day and all that it would mean, and I didn’t react well to it.

And so, I did what I do best. I did what comes so naturally to me, what has for my entire life.

I started pushing people away. Mostly my therapist and my husband. And mostly mostly, my therapist.

I wasn’t quiet about it or hiding it. I told her exactly what I was feeling. And why. And how.

So even leading up to last night, what was already bound to be a hard night, all of that extra tension and me pushing her away just made it so much worse.

I didn’t even get up out of my chair in the waiting room before she could tell just exactly how I was feeling. I just wasn’t able to put it aside.

So, yeah. I walked in there angry as fuck. And hurt. And hurting.

But I couldn’t talk about it.

Because I was so angry. At everything, at the situation. At her. And I know logically that I’m not actually angry with her about anything. I’m scared and sad and all the other stupid emotions I don’t like to acknowledge about the massive change that I’m now having to face.

It was a fucked up first hour. I don’t think I let out a breath the entire hour. I had so much just built up in me. So much displaced tension in my body and just….I literally came home sore from being so tense.

I tried to let go of some of that in the second hour.

It wasn’t how wanted my last session to go with her in that office. It wasn’t the memory I wanted to carry with me.

Next week, we’ll start all over in her new office just a few minutes down the road. I won’t go into it with any negative emotions or judgments.

It’s just…a new place. And it will be weird. There’s no denying that. But I’ll show up, and we’ll still move forward and make progress.

Towards the end, she said a few things that I already know in my heart to be true.

She said that if I trust her, it doesn’t matter where we go. It isn’t the office that means anything, it’s her, and the relationship that we’ve built. And I know that. I’ve already considered that. And it’s true.

She also said that if I want to, I will push her away. She won’t stop it or push back. So if I really want that the be the outcome, it will be.

And that isn’t what I want.

So next Monday I’ll show up and start all over. Except it isn’t exactly quite all over, it’s just a different address.

I won’t push her away, I won’t go in judging anything or setting it up for failure.

It will just…be what it is.

And maybe it won’t be terrible.