What, you thought it couldn’t get any spicier?

Buckle up friends, things are about to get even more spicy around here.

If you’ve been hanging around here for any length of time, you know that there are a small number of things that have a pretty significant impact on my mental health. The first and most important factor being the strength of my relationships.

Well, that’s all kinds of every flavor of fucked up now, isn’t it. My therapist of literally 10 years just up and decided she was all done with me a few weeks ago. No conversation, no like, hinting at it weeks prior, just literally fucking nothing. My biggest support system just…gone. Goodbye, sucks to be you kind of thing. And no, I didn’t do anything wrong, there was absolutely nothing like that. It’s because she moved and a whole bunch of other fucked up factors and I’m honestly just still absolutely devastated about the situation.

My husband’s mental health DRIVES our marriage. When he is feeling good and healthy and all that, it does not matter where I am at. We are good. My mental health impacts me, and I’m extremely consistent with my needs and my triggers and all that. But when HIS mental health tanks, for some reason, our marriage really just seems to really really struggle. It’s a predictable pattern that I’ve, and now he’s noticed, for years. And it’s the biggest obstacle that we as a couple face.

Last night felt like one of those nights where…I felt like we might be in trouble. His stressor/trigger is ALWAYS work (or money). And he had a difficult day at work, and therefore anxiety, and therefore…me being concerned. Now is not the time for him to go all dark and twisty. Not when I’m not feeling strong enough to hold us together and pick up the pieces all by myself. Not when I don’t have ANY other support.

And not when things are about to get even worse.

Let’s talk about my sister.

And if you know ANYTHING about me, you know that I was horrifically abused by my sister my entire life growing up, and hate her a pretty significant amount. Like…yeah, no. I’m sorry. The amount of trauma she caused me at her own hand is just…no. It’s not okay.)

So my sister fell last night. She went to the hospital, and broke her hip and apparently needs surgery.

She lives alone in an apartment and is on disability and all of that because of her mental illness situation. And so now my parents are freaking out because she lives alone, and will need help after surgery. So they’re thinking about her possibly coming here. Which is…well, I don’t need to explain how I feel about that. It would be my own personal version of hell.

It’s especially brutal for me personally because I do have a pretty serious physical disability. And I’ve had I think 12 major orthopedic surgeries to correct physical deformities or muscle/tissue injuries. And my SISTER made sure to take it upon her damn self every time I had surgery growing up, and absolutely torture the shit out of me.

So the irony of this situation doesn’t escape me now. And no, she absolutely isn’t welcome in the house where I’m living with my 3 kids, regardless of circumstances. And I don’t care how that makes me sound. I am an extremely kind and empathetic person. If you know me, you know this to be true.

And maybe it’s my flaw, maybe even my biggest one. But I don’t extend those same personality traits to my sister. Not after a lifetime of abuse and trauma.

Anyway. That’s my rant for the morning I suppose.

I don’t know what’s going to happen. My parents might be flying to NY in the next few days to go deal with, I mean help, her out. She might come here. I don’t know.

As far as I’m concerned, that’s what rehab is for. She has insurance. So what’s the problem.

Right now, the rest of this week…I have to shift my focus. My retreat starts tomorrow, and I’m flying out in the morning. This weekend is about me, is about having support, and is about making new connections with others who know what it’s like to go through some serious shit.

It’s funny, for as anxious of a person as I am, big traveling (like airplanes) doesn’t stress me out at all. I fly often, I fly alone often, and it’s something that I know how to do, and is fairly predictable. So even the traveling part (aside from the germs 😳) is something I don’t typically dread.

Things are fucking brutal right now. They really just simply put SUCK.

But I have this weekend. Even if it triggers the shit out of me…and even if I have no support to come home to.

We’ll worry about Monday on Monday.