Here for the ride

Utah has been amazing so far. It’s been everything that I needed, and pushing myself to come here was the right choice.

If you don’t know, on Thursday morning, I flew into Salt Lake City for a birth mom retreat. It’s the first one I’ve been to with this organization, and I can honestly say that I’ll definitely be back.

We’re staying in a huge BNB in the mountains in Heber Utah, and it’s so beautiful. Waking up at 6:30am to drink coffee while the sun rises over the mountains is just amazing.

The people here will become lifelong friends, and I’m grateful to be here experiencing this.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s been an insanely challenging experience, and I’ve been stuffing the emotions down every step of the way. Which, I know I’d be better off allowing the feelings to come out, but I just can’t.

This morning we’re doing a sound bath, and I’m absolutely terrified. It’s a new experience, and from what I’ve heard, it can be an emotional experience. Then later today, we’re going in a train ride in Heber around different areas of Utah and I’m excited for that.

The group sessions have been…emotional. And I really struggled to share my story yesterday in front of the group. My voice was shaking and I didn’t know what to say. I did share my story successfully 1 on 1 on the first day here with someone who I’m hoping will remain a close friend once we leave here, and I am really proud of myself for that.

Last night after all of the formal activities of the day were done, a few of us were sitting around the fire for hours just talking. And that was probably my favorite part of the day. One of the girls here has a list of the most ridiculous and random questions, and it’s absolutely AMAZING and fantastic and hilarious. Some are serious and some are just funny.

Example, if you were to wash your brain, would you use hot or cold water?

Right?

Anyway, one of the questions on the list was “if you could share a memory with a specific person and they would experience it the exact same way that you did, what would it be?”

And so I said mine would be my therapist. What she did to me. I’d want her to experience that the same way I did. And so we talked about that for a while. And I feel so relieved that I got to talk about that for a while. It’s been so heavy on my heart, and it felt good to just be honest and vulnerable about.

They were insanely supportive and validating and it was just really what I needed.

I’m expecting today to be pretty intense. We just finished cooking breakfast for the group (we rotate cooking/cleaning in our groups) and the sound bath is starting soon.

I’m excited for the day but nervous. And I’m already dreading leaving tomorrow.

Surprisingly, I’ve been sleeping pretty well, and haven’t had a single nightmare!!!! What the hell, what life is this???!

Also, I don’t know how many days I’m in, I’d have to go back and count. But I’m somewhere around a little less than a week fully sober. And that’s….kind of crazy.

Like I said, I’m here for the ride. And for right now, I’m just glad to be here.

By the way, do you like my 90s outfit from the decades party last night? 😅