Yesterday started with the most abrupt of wake up calls at 5am when a nurse turned on the bright lights while my son and I were dead asleep.
My two older sons had a sleep study in Dallas on Tuesday night, 2 hours away from our house. We left at 4pm to get there by 6:30 and for once, it was a relatively easy trip. It always helps to go against the flow of traffic. Most people were leaving Dallas at that time and we were just entering it.
The kids handled the stressful experience pretty well over, especially Phoenix. It was his first hospital stay (whereas his brothers have already had multiple) and even though he was much more nervous than Christian was, he did a great job. I stayed with him while my husband stayed with Christian.
They were very much themselves as far as sleeping habits go, Christian woke up at 3am and stayed awake for the rest of the night, and Phoenix woke up at 2:30 but eventually fell back asleep, and lightly snores for most of the night (even though he already had his adenoids removed).
We left Dallas around 5:30am to get home by 8. Gave the kids a shower, packed up their lunches, and got them off to school.
Despite the abrupt and overall strange start to our way, I tried to have as normal of a day as possible. It was all pretty routine, including having therapy with Becky. Which lately has been landing on a Tuesday or Thursday.
Oh yeah, the two things?
It was last night during therapy when I realized 2 very important things.
- The caffeine headache that I was so sure was a caffeine withdrawal headache…was not. I didn’t drink any alcohol the night before, obviously, because the kids had their sleep study. So when I woke up with what I know to be a very very obvious withdrawal headache, alcohol wasn’t even on my mind. Coffee was. But multiple energy drinks and cups of coffee later (all in attempts to alleviate my headache), it was still there, even at 7pm as I sat in therapy. It was right then and there, sitting in therapy, that I realized exactly what was going on.
- It is officially the end of November. With less than 5 weeks to go until Christmas. And that means it’s the incredibly stressful time of year where I have to reach out to my birth sons adoptive parents and ask what I can do for him for Christmas this year.
I did not like either of these realizations.
When it comes to addictions, and especially alcohol…the more you try to get sober and cut back and put your body into withdrawals (which is INCREDIBLY dangerous when it comes to alcohol specifically), the faster it happens the next time.
It’s called the kindling effect.
What is the Kindling Effect?
According to alcohol.org, the kindling effect is defined as the worsening of withdrawal symptoms each time the individual attempts to quit alcohol again.
So, even though I’m nowhere near drinking the amount that I was at my worst, that doesn’t mean I’m in any less danger when it comes to stopping and managing withdrawal symptoms. Which…is scary.
It’s even scarier to know that we’re entering the most triggering time of the year for me. The holidays, shortly followed by my birth son’s birthday in early April. And it will require a lot of communication with his parents. Which will just never not be painful for me.
I’m proud of myself for the 2 realizations I did have last night, and for being present enough to deal with them and recognize them.
Where we go from here is another story altogether, but last night I tried to keep the momentum going by not drinking and going to bed at a reasonable time.
I’m trying to give myself more love and more forgiveness lately.
My journey is quite far from an easy one. And I need to allow myself the space and the forgiveness to make mistakes. But to continue to grow and heal.
At the end of the day, that’s really all I can do. And it’s going to have to be enough.
