Today was another day that started off at 5am for an early morning road trip to Dallas. The kids had yet another specialist appointment, but luckily, we made good time and didn’t get caught up in traffic.
We make it home by 11:45, which definitely isn’t the worst day. I put my youngest down for a nap, fed the big kids lunch and let them watch tv on their last day of Thanksgiving break, my husband played a game, and I just fell asleep next to him in the silence. It was so freaking needed.
My body is exhausted and hurting.
I’m now officially 3 days sober. Which means I haven’t fucking slept in 3 days. Hey, do you know one of THE main reasons why my addiction began in the first place?
Because I couldn’t sleep. Because I suffered from horrific insomnia and nightmares. And alcohol made it go away. It helped me sleep. Of course that was when I was 15, and since then, it’s taken on a whole life of its own. But yeah. It was the only thing that helped.
The only thing that still helps.
I can’t sleep on my own. And I’m terrified of pills. I won’t go there.
My brain is fighting against me in my quest to be sober. Not a cell in my physical body wants this for myself.
Today looked a lot like me eating chocolate like my life actually depended on it. And it took me all day to realize it, but it’s probably because of alcohol.
On top of my alcohol addiction (yay me, I just love admitting that out loud 🙄) I also 100% have a super strong sugar addiction. Mostly just to chocolate. I manage really well and keep in control on a day to day basis and never overindulge.
But today was just so over the top. I think both psychologically and physically, chocolate is the solution in this case. My bodies reaction to the sudden stop in alcohol.
My body isn’t getting anywhere near the sugar that it normally gets when alcohol breaks down, and therefore it’s craving a substitute wherever it can get it. It’s also the reason physical replacement. Something else for my brain to fixate on. I can’t have alcohol. Fine. But I can have chocolate. But now that I’m aware of why, I can try to control that a bit better now too.
Today is day 3, and to be quite honest, I don’t know if I can make it to day 4. I’m hurting. The withdrawals for some reason feel even worse today.
I know after surgery, day 3 is the worst and hardest day by FAR recovery wise.
Is it the same principle here? Is day 3 the hardest when it comes to sobriety? If it is, no one filled me in. And I didn’t come to the party prepared.
I’m still exhausted, despite falling asleep for a little while this afternoon. And I’m already panicking about the prospect of not being able to fall asleep again tonight. Or the nightmares getting worse.
I have therapy tomorrow, which despite it still being pretty new, I think I’m starting to begin to look forward to.
I’d love to walk in and be like “hey guess what, I have 4 days sober!”, but I just don’t know if I can t get through tonight.
And I don’t want to put the pressure on myself on way or the other. Because that will guarantee failure on my end.
Tonight might be a minute by minute kind of night. And if I fail? So what. Does it really matter?
Wait, I’m really asking though.
Does it really even matter?
Yes. It matters. Because you matter.
I’m so proud of you, and I don’t want to add to your pressure, but I do believe you can do it! Good luck, and try reading a book or playing solitaire 😆 That always puts me to sleep!
Derek jokes that all he has to do is turn on a game I’m not interested in and I’ll be asleep in 2 seconds 😂
Haha, there you go! Worth a try 😉