Doubling down

Do you ever have a day so bad that you just know it isn’t going to get better?

Not because you’re being negative or in a bad mindset, just because…it is what it is.

But it’s bad anyway, so you figure…might as well do everything unpleasant right now and double down on it because it’s a shit day anyway!

That’s me. That’s me right now. I had a terrible day, and I’ve decided it’d be a good idea to double down and pile on all the bad and unpleasant.

Like texting my birth son’s parents and asking about Christmas. Maybe even writing his letter, even though I still haven’t finished crocheting one last thing. That’s enough to put me in a horrible mood on the best day. Might as well add it to my pile of shit!

I still have some very sick kids here. The only good news to come out of that is that they FINALLY qualify for a medical grade continuous pulse ox I can keep on them while they’re sleeping or any other time like you would at the hospital. It’s been the only piece of medical equipment insurance has been fighting us on covering, but with their new diagnosis of “neuromuscular lung disease” shuts insurance companies right up.

A pretty shitty new diagnosis, heartbreaking actually, but I want that damn pulse ox. They need one.

We only just barely avoided being admitted to the hospital today with Atlas. His o2 never got higher than 93%, but it never went lower than 89%. At 88, we would’ve been directly admitted. We started more new meds to try to get ahead of this and we’ll see what tomorrow looks like.

My husband is at a work Christmas party right now so I’m just alone with my thoughts after an impossibly long day. The last thing I want is to be completely alone and unsupported right now, but it is what it is.

On top of the rest of it, my 8 year old sons most prized possession in the entire universe, his Yoto player (which he’s had (multiple different ones since he was 3 years old) broke this morning, and he was rather inconsolable at bedtime. It’s basically a small handheld device that you put cards into and it plays audiobooks, and it’s his entire world. He loved that thing. And it was impossible getting him to sleep without it.

I had a terrible day.

And so, I made it worse. By texting my birth son’s parents. Knowing they won’t answer. Knowing it’ll upset me further. And knowing it needed to happen anyway.

They still haven’t answered, it’s fine, I don’t care. I’d prefer it if they don’t. I’m feeling rather avoidant anyway.

I’m tired. I am exhausted. And I’m sick of having sick/miserable kids.

Winter break has officially started, and they’ve already been home sick since last week.

I need a vacation from my life.

Maybe tonight can absorb all of the bad so tomorrow can be good.