Yesterday was much the epic crash and burn that I anticipated it would be. If you read my post from last night, yesterday just…was one of those bad day bad days. And it was absolutely exhausting both physically and mentally.
It ended much in the same fashion, I crashed and burned, wanted to go to sleep nearly immediately once my husband came home, fought it on and off for a while before eventually committing to actually go to sleep at like 10:30, but not before having a panic attack that kept me up for another few hours. All of this sober, mind you. Yes, I was that mentally fucked up that I didn’t even want to drink. Shocking, I know.
I woke up this morning with a horrific headache and some holiday triggered emotional distress, feeling like a failure because I don’t feel like I have enough done, etc. and honestly just wanted to cry and give up.
I HAVE to get my birth sons stuff into the mail today. Which means I have to finish crocheting 2 out of the 6 things I have so far.
The pig needs legs and Pikachu needs ears and cheeks, and a few other things need to be finished up…but we’re getting….somewhere!!!
I woke up and freaked out this morning. Between the actual pressure in my head, and the pressure I feel from the holidays, it’s been a lot.
But I can’t give up yet. I can’t stop. We’re not at the finish line yet. We’re close….but we have to keep going.
I hate that the holidays feel so doom and gloom for me. They’re so pressure filled I feel like all of December is just one big pressure cooker and there’s no release mention it’s over.
My husband has been as helpful as he can be, and today, that looks like him taking the kids out for a few hours so I can get shit done. Which is honestly the single most helpful thing I can get at this point.
What I want for Christmas this year is to be able to enjoy it. Not worry about money. Or stress. Or if I’ve done a “good enough” job. I just want to be present and enjoy the moment with my kids and my husband.
I want to feel released from the burden of the holidays.
And I think once I get my son’s gift in the mail…I will start to feel that way.
Damn.
I miss him always, but today I miss him extra.
