Dear son,
Today, you’ll finally get the gift I sent you in the mail for Christmas. Despite my own timeliness, USPS had other prerogatives, and your “guaranteed” Christmas Eve arrival is only just getting to you today…on the 30th. I’m truly so sorry about the delay, I hoped to have it there as promised…by Christmas. But I know, despite how much it hurts my heart, that it was truly not my fault. I had it set to arrive on the 24th.
Son, I know you were raised to not be upset by a gift in the mail that arrives later than expected. I know I sent your parents the tracking info, and have sent updates along the way. And I’m sorry this was out of my control.
I hope you’ll be happy with your gift. I hope you’ll feel loved and thought of, knowing how much time and labor and energy I put into it all. With every single thing being handmade and so full of intention.
I hope it makes you feel as loved and present as you are in my world. Our world. Myself, my husband, and your 3 brothers.
You mean so much to us. All of us.
And I think that’s why this year has felt so much harder than previous years…when even those years have felt impossible to get through.
This year in particular, your gift really took a toll on me. An enormous amount of emotional and physical energy put into it…and for you, I’d do it all over again.
Son, you’re so important to me. And even though your gift will get to you today, and not on Christmas, I just hope you feel so loved today.
I don’t know if I’ll hear anything about it today. Your parents might text me, they might not. Maybe they’ll let me know that you opened up your package, but honestly, most likely not.
I’ll probably never know what you thought of it. What you felt, or said, or did.
And that will hurt. It will hurt a lot. To not hear from them, to not be told anything…it will break my fucking heart.
But it will also break my heart if I do. If they do send me pictures or an update or tell me about your reaction.
I wish I could’ve given it to you myself, and followed it up with a hug. And maybe one year, I’ll be able to do just that. For now, this is our reality. And I’m just grateful that I even have the ability to send you gifts. And talk to your parents.
But I’d be lying if I said my heart wasn’t broken today.
I hope you love your gift, son. I hope it means a lot to you, like I know it did for me.
I miss you always, but today I miss you extra.
