I have so much racing through my mind and my heart. So much that I’m feeling, thinking…hoping for and afraid of.
I feel so much.
Yet, I don’t feel like I have any words.
It happens occasionally, more often than I’d like…maybe twice a year or so. But I get this feeling. Like…I’m so broken. I’m so alone. Too broken and too alone.
The feelings of unworthiness creep in. The feeling that I’m not good enough. That I should give up. Give in.
Bigger than all of that, the feeling that I’m losing myself. And that I don’t know who I am, or who I want to be.
My writing voice feels disorganized and unfamiliar. I don’t know what I need to say, let alone what I want to say.
So I pull back. I withdraw. From my friends. From my husband. Even from myself, from writing.
And that right there…that pulling back. It’s the action that solidifies all of those feelings of brokenness and unworthiness. And certainly the loneliness.
So I start drinking more. Internalizing more. Hating myself more. Allowing the negative thoughts to live their most free life within my head.
Quiet in the outside. Shut down on the outside.
But raging with noise and chaos and pain on the inside.
My role is the be the strong one. But I can’t always live up to that role.
I want to know myself. I want to know myself well enough to understand how to pull myself out of these moments.
Maybe it’s because I didn’t have therapy last week and that triggered it. Maybe it’s because I’d been pulling away, and people didn’t notice and pull me back in? Not that it’s their job, but it certainly does help.
When I live too much in my head, I begin to die in there as well.
A quiet me is a hurting me.
The version of me that writes less frequently is a broken one. A lost one.
I’ve written a lot about feeling disconnected with myself. Or needing to find myself again. Not knowing what I need, but knowing that I need something.
That’s exactly how I’m feeling now.
It doesn’t help that the one year anniversary of the accident with the deer that almost killed my husband is coming up on the 13th.
I feel…lost. I just feel a little bit lost. And disconnected.
And quiet.
