The best I can do for now.

It has been a journey. A long, and at times impossible one.

But I’m here.

I’m feeling better physically, but as far as my mental health as it pertains to literal brain chemistry?

Yeah. I’m still on the struggle bus.

Alcohol was the dopamine that fueled my body. I do not have an ounce of dopamine left in me with these first 10 days of sobriety. Not a single fucking ounce.

The depression has been brutal. The anger/anxiety/irritability has been…a lot. It’s all been a lot.

Today is the first day I feel even the slightest bit of that emotional burden lessening, but not by much.

I haven’t been writing because honestly, what’s going on inside my head is just…negative. I’m in a painful place.

But I’m here.

I’m still doing it.

And I’m doing the best I can.

My husband has been pretty awesome in trying to help me as best as he can, which isn’t an easy job. Still, he’s there with new chocolate whenever I run out, and coffee brewing for us bright and early when we first wake up.

It’s the little things, it really is.

My birth son’s birthday is on Friday.

Honestly, how much of my dad and pathetic mental state is due to my suffering and suffocating lack of feel good chemicals in my brain that alcohol once provided, and how much is due to his birthday coming up…it’s hard to tell.

I can definitely tell my body is still angry with me physically. I’m still having a lot of weird and, frankly, unexpected physical symptoms. But they’re at least manageable…albeit still unpleasant.

I’m not going anywhere. I’m still here. And I’m still journeying on this journey with all of you. Whether you’re here now, or in the future reading my messy but honest blog as a guide to be more sane or something (lol good luck)…or if I’m just here, writing for me.

Honestly, it’s all of the above. I know that.

I’m hurting, but I’m here.

I’m crocheting, I’m eating a lot of chocolate…and I’m going to bed early every night just trying to survive.

I still don’t know why I’m doing this. Why all of a sudden, after 15 years, I decided today is the day to stop drinking! But here we are.

We’re doing it.

And I guess I’ll just keep doing it.