Searching for something

I don’t know what I’m looking for, but I feel like I’m constantly searching for something.

Something to fulfill me. To feel less empty, to feel like I have a place in this world. Or a purpose.

I really don’t know. I just feel so… empty. Or lacking.

Like there’s a part of me that needs to be filled, but I don’t know exactly by what.

It leaves me feeling so…I don’t even know. Useless? Worthless? I don’t even know exactly how I’m feeling, or why. It’s just such an empty feeling, and I don’t like it.

I guess I feel like nothing I do is good enough. Or important, or impactful, or useful enough.

I want to have worth. And I feel so completely worthless.

I’ve made a lot of positive changes the past few months, and I know that’s something I should be proud of.

I just can’t shake the feeling that I’m still not doing enough.

Maybe it’s that I feel stuck. Or that, no matter what we do, we can never seem to get ahead. It’s frustrating to say the least.

I don’t have the confidence in myself to believe that I can succeed. Or that we will pull ourselves out of this hole, and not be so financially stressed and burdened all the time.

I’m crocheting and making things constantly to “eventually sell” while we’re out every night door dashing, but I don’t want to put myself out there like that and fail. Despite my husband pushing me and saying that that wouldn’t happen, but still.

I don’t know. I just feel empty. Like I’m trying and pushing so hard, but I’m in quicksand and I can’t get anywhere.

Sobriety is hard when the thoughts get too loud. And tonight, the thoughts are fucking loud.