Complicated feelings

It’s been another week full of business and chaos and complicated feelings. So…basically a completely normal week for me. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day, which, if you know me, you’ll know I have some pretty complicated feelings about.

In the adoption community the day before Mother’s Day is known as Birth Mother’s Day. And that is an equally hard day for me…for obvious reasons.

It’s just a triggering weekend. As simply stated as that, it’s triggering as hell.

I don’t like thinking about the grief that goes along with my birth son. I don’t like being in that space. His birthday, holidays in general, and Mother’s Day in particular all trigger the feelings of loss and grief and just…all the blah that goes with it.

On top of me already feeling pretty crappy emotionally, I’m also sick. Ugh.

Not at all surprised though, as that is typically what happens when a 2 year old is coughing in your face and snotting on you all week.

He’s fine now, so I guess it’s just my turn.

Even though I obviously hate being sick, I honestly didn’t mind the slightly extra excuse I had to lay in bed for a little longer than normal today. I let the big kids watch tv for a little longer than I usually do while Atlas took a nap, so we all just got some extra chill time, and I needed it.

Yesterday, we had to take one of our goats to the vet. We were worried she had CL, which, in goats, is an extremely contagious and incurable disease. It basically causes abscesses all over their body, usually on their face, and eventually spreading to their organs.

The vet confirmed our fears, it is most likely CL. She drained the 2 abscesses she had on her face, and now she is in isolation on the other side of property where our other goats never go until her face is COMPLETELY healed. Once it’s healed with absolutely zero concerns of opening or draining, we will move her into an empty pen next to the goats for a little longer until we let her back in with everyone.

Ideally, we want to get everyone else vaccinated first, but I have no idea how long that will take. And she can’t stay in isolation forever.

An option most people raising goats would take in this situation is euthanasia, since it is not curable and is so contagious. That’s not what we want to do, obviously, so we’re just going to manage it the best we can, and take it one day at a time.

Of course the vet bill wasn’t one we were expecting or anticipating, so we took a pretty big hit there. Which sucks. A lot. But, that’s the nature of animals. And it is what it is.

So, yeah. It’s just been a little bit of a hard week.

I’m glad it’s the weekend, but the heartache is real.

I haven’t heard from my son’s adoptive parents since before his birthday. Yes, that’s right, they still never responded since I texted them on his birthday.

I’m anxious and stressed and upset about tomorrow already.

All the questions and unknowns.

Will they text me? Will they think of me? Do they even care? How could they possible now??

It’s not in my control. Nothing is. But I’m doing the best I can with it all.

Normally I say send coffee, or chocolate.

But today, I’m saying send tissues!

Seriously. I’ve been through an entire box since yesterday. It’s intense.

Tomorrow will be hard, but it is what it is. First, I just need to get through today.