Running out of fight

How I’ve been feeling these last few days…these last few weeks even….

It’s not okay. I feel like shit. Physically, I’m in the worst flare up I’ve been in in a long time. I can’t sleep both because of the extra levels of pain, and the additional nightmares.

Despite my husband working what seems like literally 24 hours a day, we’re still drowning and late on everything, which that alone would be enough to make me suicidal.

But it doesn’t stop there, because why would it. My life isn’t quite so simple.

Everything is going wrong all at once. I’m overwhelmed, overstimulated and over it.

And what do I do when I feel as badly as I’m currently feeling?

Blow the rest of it up, of course!

Push away the relationships that were otherwise fine. Ruin those too. Isolate yourself even more. No one cares anyway, right?

I haven’t had a single drop of alcohol in 2 or 3 weeks, and yet shockingly, this hasn’t solved all my problems either. Maybe I’ll give that up too.

I haven’t eaten in 24 hours not because I don’t want to, but my body doesn’t physically allow me to eat when my emotional burden is this large.

Feeling this level of hopelessness sucks. Plain and simple, it just fucking sucks.

I don’t want to give up. I don’t want to feel this way.

But I do.

I’m exhausted.

And I don’t know how much longer I can fight.