I consider myself to be a relatively easygoing person. (I very well may laugh at this line at any point in the future.) While I say that, I do absolutely thrive with consistency and predictability. I like my routine, I like a plan, I like to plan ahead. It honestly is where I thrive. Week to week, my schedule is about as predictable as it can be with 2 higher level needs kids; my appointments are scheduled well enough in advance, and I’ve just about got my calendar memorized. When it comes to my own therapy, which I have consistently twice a week, I’m always on edge waiting for it: the cancel email. I got that message this morning.
Now, as I’ve mentioned, I do love and respect my therapist greatly. We’ll call her JP. Anyway. So she messages me this morning and tells me she needs to cancel today, or at best move it to Telehealth depending on the situation later in the day. I always hate this, especially on 2 hour days. On a typical week, I have one 1 hour and one 2 hour appointment. (Honestly, I don’t know how anyone gets anything accomplished with just one hour a week, but maybe that’s just me.)
I get it, life happens, it’s a normal and expected event. Like, this is something I fully understand and appreciate. But it’s the fact that this is the thing that I’m constantly on edge for. I wait for it and I anticipate it, every single time. I never feel confident or comfortable that the events of the day are going to happen, until they actually happen. It’s not just with therapy, I’m very much like this with all aspects of my life. It is emphasized with something like this though, where it’s actually for me, and something I relatively do enjoy doing. Or at least…don’t hate.
An unfortunate trauma history coupled with my history of constantly being let down by people in my life is likely the cause.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like JP cancels frequently at all. But the planner in me, the part of me that holds so much weight in the little things, it hurts. This morning started off relatively well. Despite not sleeping at all last night (thank you nightmares), I woke up feeling hopeful and ready for the day. Just knowing I have therapy at the end of the day is often enough to make me feel strong enough to get through the day. After I got the message, my whole morning spiraled.
It went from hopeful to hurt and feeling lost. Like, I fully understand that it’s really not that big of a deal.
But, again, it’s the fact that it’s the one thing that I can actively do that is for me. Part of it is that she’ll be away all next week, which, again, is fine and not a problem on its own. But next week…lets just say my son will be experiencing a “first” that no parent ever wants to experience. So her trip fell on a bad week for me personally, and I hoped to work through that today.
Anyway, I know this was a rant. This wasn’t the post I had intended for today, but I suppose it also wasn’t the day I expected. That’s okay though, because flexibility is good.
If you know the feeling, then you know. If you don’t well, I’m glad. It’s a weird one to explain.
To put it best:
When you live life constantly expecting shit to hit the fan, and it does, it feels uncomfortably familiar. It feels like “see? I told you I couldn’t trust you, I was right, you can’t count on anyone”. I know it’s not true, but fighting against the pain from my past is just another thing I need to work on.