Today was relatively okay…until it really just wasn’t. It very quickly turned from a typical, average Sunday, to an “oh shit, what is happening in my life right now and how do I make it stop” kind of day. I’ll spare you of the details, but honestly it feels like thats more to my benefit than it is yours. I love my husband, I really do, but he isn’t perfect. None of us are. I just find that I have a very hard time writing or talking about anything “wrong” in my marriage or relationship with him. I don’t know why, it’s a real and extremely common part of most of our lives. No relationship is perfect and they all take work. I don’t know why I have trouble talking about that part of it.
Anyway…it was just a day where I didn’t feel heard. I didn’t feel loved and I found myself questioning a lot and just going down a road of dark thoughts. Like I said…my husband is great…but emotions are NOT his strong suit. At least..he’s got to be in an already decent mood to be able to effectively deal with them appropriately.
We are also COMPLETE opposites when it comes to conflict resolution. I need it handled Now. Immediately. Anxiety will skyrocket and be completely out of control unless I feel we have resolved it pretty much right this second. He is so not like that. He completely checks out in the moment and just isn’t able to give me what I need, which makes my anxiety worse, which puts more pressure on him so he checks out even further….it’s the same thing every single time. We just completely have opposing needs in those already difficult moments.
I’m trying to work on that with him and give him more room because I do understand that immediatae resolution just isn’t always feasible. But I’m also trying not to sacrifice my own needs in those moments, which it feels like I am.
It got to the point where we just weren’t getting anywhere. Once again, our needs were butting heads and I wasn’t going to get what I needed. I din’t want to be around my boys while I was upset, so I went to take a shower to be “alone”. (But honestly, are you really ever alone when you have young kids? They don’t care. They’ll bust in any door at any time. Let’s be real.)
I’ve been having a hard time this past week and I’ve felt worse than usual. Today was my breaking point.
You know those days where you just feel so weak that you just…can’t? Yeah. That was me today. Full on, shampoo in my hair, didn’t give a shit, just broke down. Like, *sitting on the floor in the shower straight up not giving a fuck if there are spiders behind that shampoo bottle right there* type of breaking down. I thought a lot about why it is that I’m still here. Why am I still pushing, still fighting. Maybe this is my time to give up.
I’ll be honest, the internal battle of life and death is one I fight often. I had darker thoughts today than I have in a while, and I didn’t love that. To be fair, I also received more devastating news that someone I know died from covid this morning. So it’s been kind of a shit week all together, and I’m just over it.
Naturally, I’m drinking more. Like, *wake up and spike your coffee at 6am because yay it’s a weekend and I don’t have to go anywhere* kind of drinking more.
This post got away from me and turned into me venting, I suppose. I don’t know. I feel bad. In so many ways, I feel bad.
As the title suggests, tonight did get better. My husband did apologize and come around. He didn’t treat me the best and he knew it. I just wish we could, ya know, come to that conclusion in the moment rather than hours later meanwhile I’m suffering the whole time but hey ya can’t win em all.
I know I make light of it, but lately, things sucks. I’m struggling to keep my head above water. I honestly don’t want to anymore. (That’s alcohol taking effect right there and bringing out the ugly honesty that no one really wants to hear.) I’m sick or hurting. I’m sick of losing people. I am sick of feeling like there is nothing left of my life but pain and suffering. Of watching those I love the most suffer. I’m sick of looking at my kids and seeing gravestones in their future. Nothing is easy. I know life isn’t easy, no ones is. I know I have a lot to be grateful for, but I just feel so tired of all the pain, of carrying the emotional load for everyone in my life, and no one to help carry mine it seems. But it’s fine, I’ll be fine.
“I always am.”