It’s just past 7pm. My husband got home from work an hour ago, and he is already in bed trying to sleep.
It happens often. He’ll get a migraine and just be dead to the world sleeping until it goes away. I get it. It sucks for him.
But it’s also pretty miserable for me. And tonight it feels selfish. I’ll probably sound like an ass for saying this, but his headache tonight isn’t nearly as bad as they can be. So for him to give up and just go to bed without even making an effort to spend some time with me…it’s shitty. He could’ve spent an hour or 2 with me watching something together. It wouldn’t have killed him.
The 2 worst things for me are loneliness and nighttime. Being alone at night…well, that’s just a recipe for disaster. The last thing I needed was to be alone with myself for hours tonight. I hate it.
Last night was rough and I had really hoped tonight would be better. I have therapy first thing tomorrow morning…so…ideally, I’d like to not be super hungover.
I’m not seeing a way around that though right now. Because, as I say, I can sleep with love or alcohol…but not neither.
Well, tonight he’s asleep already…so there goes love. And it takes a looottttt of alcohol to convince my body that going to sleep would be safe or okay.
I’m in for a long night. I already feel isolated and alone. It’s always that feeling that leads to desperation. Tonight is not going to go well. I hate that I know that.
I hate that this has become the pattern. Im so sick of feeling like a prisoner. Constantly trapped and confined by everyone else. But when it comes to me and my needs?
Well…I’m a prisoner then too. Stuck in my own head with nowhere to go but deeper inside of my own mind.
I have nothing to do but think, write and drink for the next few hours. Hopefully that’s as bad as it gets…
But if the past has taught me anything…it’s that nights like this are always the ones that end in near tragedy.