Go away. I need you, please come back

I’m going to get very upset with you if you act like you care about me. I’m going to push you away and hate you and look at all the ways you’re lying to me when you act like you care.

I’m going to be upset when you have a better life than me.

I’m going to miss you and Regret it when I push you away.

Can we all just agree on this? Can we just agree that this is the dysfunctionally painful way that I function and fight me on it and love me through it anyway?

I’m a mess. I’m broken and I’m scared and I feel so alone.

And the only way I know how to exist is by continuing to ensure that I feel that way. You’re not safe. Love isn’t safe. So please don’t threaten my shitty safety with your pretend love.

I’m sorry. But I don’t believe you when you pretend that you care.

I know I’m wrong. I know it’s my flaw. It’s my insecurities. But the more you love me, the more I’m going to fight you. The more I want you to “prove it”.

If you love me, you’ll stick around when I push you away.”

Because “how dare you lie to me. What are you trying to get from me? Go away. Please don’t leave me, I’m sorry.”

Yeah. My mind is a minefield. I desperately…

…With all of me..need you. Need anyone. But don’t you dare get to close or you’re obviously a liar.

Leave me alone. Go away. Please come back…I’m sorry I’m horrible.

Yeah. My mind is a a battlefield. But the enemy is myself. I guess there is no winner in the war amongst your mind.

There are only losers here. There are no winners.

Well, actually, I guess the winners are the ones that listen when I push them away. Tell them to leave.

They don’t have to deal with me anymore.

I’m fucked. The more I think about being vulnerable and open and letting someone in…the angrier and more hurt it makes me. And I’d just rather shut down and push them away than risk letting myself be vulnerable and getting hurt.

I’m sure therapy will go extremely well tomorrow.

Not like my emotionally open wounds are seeping or anything.

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