Well, safe to say I messed up yet another day at therapy. I’m killing it here, guys. Really.
I don’t know why I get so shut down and guarded. I hate it and I didn’t even try to. This morning I woke up and really tried to go to therapy open and positive and just…normal. But as soon as I got in there, I just froze. I got nervous and shut down and I was putting so much pressure on myself not to fuck it up, and that’s exactly what ended up happening.
For context, when I say I fucked it up, I mean I just get so shut down and in my own head that just nothing good happens. And then I pick up on her…whatever it is…and I know I’m doing a bad job and then I feel worse and UGH.
This same thing happened last year right before Christmas. I don’t know if it’s the inconsistency in the schedule that happens this time of year, or the fact that my sister is coming soon… Or really any other factor that comes into play during this time of year.
There are 2 relationships I have that have a significant impact in my life. Therapy and my marriage. I’ve always said that when my marriage is strong and my relationship with my husband is stable and thriving, everything else in my life becomes better and easier to handle. The same thing goes for therapy. When that relationship feels strong and…whatever other words go along with that…everything feels better and more manageable. I have hope…rather than just complete hopelessness.
But the same can be said for the opposite side of it. When things are shaky, or if I feel like I’m messing things up, or I don’t feel secure anymore….things just get worse. I lose hope and I shut down and I run away before the other person can leave me. It just makes me feel so uneasy and unsettled.
I asked her if she hated me (because thats the verbiage I use) and she says no. Obviously she doesn’t “hate” me, and even if she did, well… She’s a professional, and it would probably not be very good for someone to be like “yeah, I actually do hate you. Sorry about that.”
She says that things have been “tense more frequently” lately. And… I guess that’s true? But..if things are harder in my life, and I’m feeling a bit worse or more stressed or whatever it is in general, doesn’t that automatically translate to the therapy room? I mean, I guess it doesn’t have to…but I don’t understand how it wouldn’t. How do I handle having negative feelings, and talk about them and feel them without having things be “tense” or whatever it is in therapy?
Anyway…I guess that’s a complicated thought process that may or may not have an easy answer.
When it comes to therapy, I don’t know how to verbalize how I feel about it, or about her. I choose my words so carefully surrounding that topic because I don’t want to say anything wrong. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel, and I feel like I’m not supposed to care at all. Or I feel like I’ll get in” trouble” if I actually care. So I hold myself back and just… I don’t know. It sucks.
It’s important to me that I don’t fuck up the important relationships in my life that I have, but the more I try not to, the more pressure it seems I put on myself and fuck it up anyway.
So, I guess that’s what happened today. I went there, and I was nervous and all I wanted to do was be like… “HEY, I’m sorry I fucked it up and was a shut down hot mess the other day, and I’m scared I’m going to do it again today, but really all I want is to feel secure and safe and I promise if I do then everything will go better so I’m sorry!”
Yeah. Something alone the lines of that run-on sentence.
What happened it therapy was the exact opposite of what I wanted and needed to happen. I hate it, I hate when I get like that. But I never see the way through it, it just intensifies.
I struggle because I care. But I feel like I’m not supposed to care at all, or maybe it isn’t safe to.
And therein lies the struggle.
I know I fucked it up, but maybe I’ll feel better if I fix it.
Here’s What I Meant To Say:
So…JP. what’s upppppp. (Damn, here comes the sarcasm.)
I’m sorry that I’m difficult. I know I am. And I know you get frustrated when I get all weird…it’s not helpful and really, it’s the complete opposite of how I want to be. I don’t know how to ask for what I need…shit, half the time I don’t even know what I need. Today was supposed to go better, and I wish I was a better person who was more equipped to deal with this absolutely ridiculous life.
I don’t really know what else to say, I’m just feeling so numb and drained. It hurts when I don’t feel good about things, and that makes me shut down even more. I know you’re probably not happy with me, so I’m sorry. I’m always scared you’re going to give up on me, but you already know that. Words aren’t coming to me easily right now, and I feel like I’m stumbling over my thoughts. Which means I’m probably going to mess up something again…so I should just stop.
But I’m sorry. I care, even though I don’t want to…and I’m trying hard not to.
I’ll do better…I’m always willing to do the hard work. I hate when things are “tense” or whatever…but it literally just comes from fear..of so many things. I know I’m a fuck up…. I’m sorry.