Do you ever ask “why”?

Do you ever ask that? Why me, why is this happening, what did I do to deserve this…?

All of those questions and more.

I know I do. I ask “why”, and the many forms of “why”, all the time.

Why do I deserve this, how is that fair, what did I do so wrong…all of it.

I have been having some rough days lately. Parenting is fucking hard. Special needs parenting is…well, it’s next level hard.

I find myself asking myself “why” constantly. I feel justified in my questioning.

Why does it all have to be so bad?

We all have those questions that seem to have no answers. Because truth be told, there is no “why”. It’s just what is.

And yes, “what is” can often suck. But that doesn’t mean we deserve it. That doesn’t mean we did something to cause it, or that we just must be horrible, or anything along those lines.

On the other hand, though, sometimes we question ourselves, and those “whys” are sometimes worth looking into.

Why do I feel this way? Why has this seemingly random song been stuck in my head for weeks now, is there something in the lyrics I should be paying attention to?

Why does this feel bad, or even why does it feel good?

I have some of my own pretty big “whys” right now.

Why is this my life? Why do we have this massively fucked up genetic disorder that is ruining the lives of myself and my children?
Why do I have to hurt all the time?
What did I do to deserve all of this, did I really cause all of this?
Why does he keep assaulting me?
Why can’t I be stronger?
Do I even deserve to live?

Why is this song stuck in my head on repeat right now, when I haven’t listened to it in years because of the pain it brings?
Why are his words circling my head, trying to make me think differently, feel hopeful…choose life?
Why can’t I talk about ANY of this out loud???!

Now, obviously….some of those questions aren’t questions to be asked at all. Those are just…the “what is” parts of my life. And yeah, it hurts, but there is no reason. There is no why.

Some of those other ones, though….those are definitely worth thinking about, worth questioning.

Why is this song stuck in my head? Well, because the fucking lyrics are screaming at you to do better. And you desperately want to. So maybe it’s better hearing it coming from someone else?

“You’re so mean
When you talk
About yourself, you were wrong
Change the voices
In your head
Make them like you instead”

I always say that questions without answers are my favorite types of questions. They’re often the ones that inspire the most thinking, the most introspection.

It’s important to ask ourselves the hard questions, and sometimes taking a look at those questions, the “whys” can be very healing.

But don’t get stuck in the trap of the “whys” without answers. The whys that are really just…what is. Without any why.

I guess it can be pretty hard to tell the difference sometimes.

“Tell her about forgiveness, the possibility of freedom…”