Lately, I’ve been trying to notice when I feel something…less than dead and empty inside. These moments of life and peace are few and far between, but they do show up from time to time.
I notice the little moments of joy usually in the quiet parts of my day. After I get the kids to bed, when my husband goes out with them on the weekends and I get an hour or 2 to myself, or even the in the hours alone I spend with my husband in the evenings. Or in the mornings, drinking coffee with my husband before we start our day and get the kids.
The moments of okayness and “joy” are few are far between, and they are short lived. They are often replaced with anxiety or loneliness or dread rather soon after. I’m trying to practice noticing when those little moments show up to begin with, and what causes them to exist. I think I’m getting pretty decent at that.
But I’m not necessarily good at allowing them the space to exist and grow. I feel like these moments are like…a little seedling or something. They are fragile, new, and need nurturing and love in order to grow and reach their full potential.
I feel like like small moments aren’t nurtured, or they aren’t in quite the right environment. They just don’t grow. I want to get better at making these moments last longer, but I really don’t know how.
I know I’m at least making a good first step in recognizing these moments when they do show up, but I wish I was better at nurturing these moments and helping them last. The fact that they are so fleeting, and so far between, leaves me feeling frustrated more often than not.
I know guilt plays a role in it. So often, I feel guilty whenever I feel anything good or positive. Like I shouldn’t, or I’m not allowed to, or that it’s too foreign.
Ideally, I wish these moments would be more often, and less fleeting. I should be grateful that they exist at all, I know that.
But I can’t help but feel like life could be so much better, so much more, if I had that feeling more often than in one second increments.
Maybe one day, I’ll know what that feels like. True moments of joy, real happiness.
I really hope so.