Disconnected and exhausted

I had a blog post written and ready to go for this morning, but then, this morning happened. And it suddenly wasn’t the content matter that felt important for today.

I’m feeling so disconnected from everyone lately. The past few weeks have been rough. Going from twice a week to once a week in therapy has seemed to trigger it, and I’m really struggling to feel connected in any kind of way.

Withdrawing is my natural response for me. Do you want to call that another form or self sabotage? I don’t know, maybe. But it’s more of a feeling than an action, so I really don’t know.

Nothing I do seems important. Nothing seems to matter. I feel like no one cares, like I’m so disposable and replaceable. I don’t really feel connected to life, in any way that means anything, if that makes sense.

Even though it’s been hard, I am trying to stay present. I’m trying to keep communicating, keep showing up, keep writing….I’m trying. Despite the pull to shut down. There are things I want to talk about with the people in my life that I honestly keep trying to, but I keep not getting the opportunity to. Or I feel like they don’t want to hear from me, so I don’t want to burden them with…me.

My relationship with my husband seems to be slightly hot and cold lately too. Most of the time, my husband and I are good…but I’m definitely starting to see the stress add up and our communication go down. He gets in moods, and I take it personally. I should know better by now not to, but it’s really hard for me.

On top of everything else, I’m just so completely physically exhausted. This pregnancy has truly kicked my ass. And even though I’m only 21 weeks, I had contractions all weekend long to the point where my husband really wanted me to call my doctor and get checked out. But I refuse to be that mom that goes in for nothing.

I’m just feeling kind of apathetic about everything, really. I managed to nap for maybe an hour yesterday, and I still feel completely exhausted and spent this morning. I guess that’s what happens when your nights are riddled with nightmares and sleeplessness.

I’m afraid to call my doctor because last week at my appointment, she pretty much indicated that I’m going to end up on bed rest soon. And I’m too busy for all of that. I’m afraid to reach out to my friends and the people that I need because I know they don’t want to hear from me. (Is that self sabotage? Is all of this?)

I wish I felt better. Both physically and otherwise. This baby is still 3 weeks away from my sort of real hope for viability. And of course, I hope to get there. I’m scared of what’s happening, I’m scared of how I feel, I’m scared of what to do, or not do, and I’m scared of the possible outcomes.

I want to lay in bed and sleep. I want to stop having contractions. Even if they are just Braxton Hicks (false contractions), this is an extreme amount and intensity, which is still problematic. I know I’m high risk, and I hate that I am. Because all I want to do is ignore my pain and my problems, like I always do.

I just feel like giving up. It’s takes too much from me to fight, and I am so, so tired.

I wish I had people. I wish I felt connected, or like I mattered…like I wasn’t just disposable.

My body is failing me, my kids bodies are failing them, and it’s just hard. I just hope, that this one more time, my body is strong enough to support us for just a little while longer.

10 thoughts on “Disconnected and exhausted”

  1. I’m glad you’re still showing up and writing, even though it’s hard.

    Even if people don’t want to hear from you, it sounds like your body is being pretty clear that it can’t take any more. And even if they’re not motivated to help for your sake, they should at least be willing to help for baby’s sake.

    1. Yes, you’re right about that. My body is definitely screaming some signs at me that I shouldn’t ignore, and I know I need to listen. I just hate that I feel guilty about it.

  2. I do hope you will listen to your body… It is very clear that it needs you to slow down and relax… I know it’s hard but if something would go wrong, you’ll probably end up feeling even worse for God knows how long…
    If you have true friends, I’m sure they do care. And if they can, they will help you when you need it.
    Can it be that your hubby is going hot/cold because he’s worried as he sees you trying to ignore some important signs? Maybe he feels helpless as he wants to do more but he can’t… Maybe because it’s your body that he can’t take over, maybe he feels like he’s not doing enough…. Just guessing here, hoping that it may help you along the way.
    I’m glad you’re still writing, you’re still trying and not giving up. But sometimes you need to pull the break and slow down a little. Not stop, not give up, but give yourself more time to achieve your goals.
    I hope this helps you, as I’d love to help in any way that I can.
    Sending much ♥ love and luck 🍀 your way.

    1. Yeah, I definitely need to take it easier. It isn’t even a choice at this point, I just physically can not do what I need to.
      My husband is definitely feeling overwhelmed. He’s doing his best, and is stepping up however I need him to, but I know it’s a lot.

      1. I am sure you both will be able to handle this 💪🏼. You know what you need best, you’ve come so far together, this won’t beat you two! 🍀 Wishing you much rest and relaxation. I hope your husband will get some breathing space when he sees you taking it easier… 😊 You got this 💪🏼 much ♥ love from me to you. 🌸

  3. Oh my, Alana. Sorry for what your going through and the way you feel right now.
    Sending you love and wishes that your precious one reach 24 weeks and that those annoying contractions should end real soon!
    You matter. You’re needed. You’re loved.
    Thank you for posting despite the difficulties. Sending warmth your way ♥️

    1. Yes, I know I need to keep writing, even when it’s hard. Hopefully this starts getting a little easier soon! Even though that’s unlikely to happen, seeing as pregnancy tends to get harder every day 😅

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