Therapy last night went… about as normal as it can go, I think. Which is a good thing, considering it’s been a bit strained for a while now.
I went in, anxious as usual, and just started talking. About nothing in particular, just talking to talk. About anxiety, about the weather, about my son trying to learn to read…just life things. I guess just to get past the initial anxiety of it all.
Then we talked about the more real topics, I guess, and I gave her the list I was supposed to keep of ways I self sabotaged this week. The common theme throughout the list was avoidance. And we figured out that my “good enough” line is perfection.
Basically, I guess I feel like unless I’m going to do something and achieve perfection, I won’t do it. I won’t even try. Because I don’t want to fail, because I don’t want to disappoint anyone, or feel like I’m not good enough. So I guess that leads to a lot of…not trying.
I need to adjust my “good enough” line. Because perfection isn’t realistic. And I will always fail if that is what I’m striving for.
I argued that it didn’t make sense to strive for anything less than perfection, because then I feel like that can just lead to not trying in its own right. What determines what is good enough?
But apparently that can change day to day. And for me, it’s going to vary quite a bit because of my physical limitations. Some days, my “good enough” is going to be purely that I survived, and that I’m still alive. Some days, that’s all I have to offer, and that will have to be enough. It also has to be accurate. You have to be honest and accurate with where you think your line should be, otherwise it does leave room for laziness or failure.
Other days, my good enough might be more…and even though that might not be perfection, well, it will still have to be good enough.
It is a strange concept for me, to be honest. And I do feel like anything less than perfection is failure, which is incorrect thinking, I guess. Everyone in my life is always making me feel worthless, or less than, and never good enough. So it’s no wonder that I have these inflated thoughts about how “good enough” I need to be. Because no matter what, I never have been enough.
It’s weird feeling like anything less then perfection is acceptable…let alone actually good enough. She left me with a lot of homework…including filling out a worksheet of characteristics I like about myself (gross).
We also talked about making small and manageable to do lists so I don’t get so overwhelmed …and sometimes even just getting a little bit done will be good enough.
Overall, it went well. She was blunt with me (always appreciated), she talked and helped me stay on task, and it just felt productive. I wish I was going back on Friday instead of waiting an entire week for Tuesday, but I guess if things are going well, I can’t complain about that.
It’s always going to be hard feeling that disconnect, or feeling like things aren’t happening fast enough or whatever, but I guess for now…this is just where the good enough line is.
At least I have an entire week to figure out 20 more things that I like about myself. Even if that seems impossible. For today, I think “good enough” will be low, and I’ll give myself permission to go as slow as I need to. I’m feeling both mentally and physically drained, and I think maybe it’s okay to take it slow.
Do you have a “good enough” line? Does it feel accurate?