Broken is all I feel, all I know how to feel.
There’s so much to feel, but no space to feel it. So I guess I’d better not feel anything at all.
When words don’t match your actions, don’t match your feelings…what are you left with?
Say I’m fine, or worse…admit that I’m sad, continue to try to function on the outside…crash and burn and want to give up with every ounce of you on the inside.
Broken. Fucking. Feelings.
There’s no time to feel when the world is burning down around you. You don’t stand there, waiting for the flames to get you, to suck you in.
You just keep fucking going.
And that’s all I know how to do.
But then what? You’ve managed to escape the flames, got a little burned, sure, but you’re not dead…is it time to stop yet?
When are you safe?
When can you feel?
The smoke is in your lungs now…and you can’t outrun yourself. You’ve escaped the flames, but the damage has been done. The damage is within you.
And the denial of this damage does not negate its existence. As much as I run, try to convince myself that there is no pain, that there is no problem…
I can’t keep outrunning these lies.
But there’s no safe place to feel my feelings. I don’t even think I know how to.
I can’t stay in this broken body, this broken mind.
Broken minds don’t mend.
And mine is as broken as it gets.
I wish I knew how to feel.
There is so much pain here, I know… but my word, how lovely you are in expressing it. I feel these same feelings. Not every day anymore, but often. Please remember, that those of us who are broken, also have additional cracks that allow more light in. You have a poet’s soul, and a bravery in expressing such feelings that clearly demonstrates that you are not as broken as you feel. You are stronger than you know, Ms. Alana. Don’t give up the fight. Don’t let those who left you feeling broken win. You are so much more than they ever knew. I am here for you, M’Love! 💜
I think that’s one of my most favorite things I’ve ever heard…that broken people have cracks that allow more light in. I love that.
Thank you 💙💙 I love that perspective.
Thank you for being so brave and allowing yourself to express your vulnerabilities. You are one of my favorite bloggers, because you’re not afraid to wear you heart on your sleeve; and I never want to lose you, Girl. 😘
Thank you ❤️ that really means a lot. Writing is the only way I know how to get things out…even when it’s hard.
I’m guessing therapy didn’t go so well.
I mean…it wasn’t ideal. And it just makes me feel like a failure. Which I hate.
I’ve been broken my entire life. Honestly, I have no idea how I survived until now but I did. Looking back at those things made us so much stronger of a person. We hopefully learned and grew into better people. Better, kinder, nicer, more caring, more loving people. Unfortunately, there are always going to be unkind people that use/abuse us because we show more emotion and feelings. I just hope you will meet or have at least one other good person in your life that you can talk to about anything. I really never had that until recently. They may have been the first person to see the actual me and my outlook on life has changed for the better. So please stay strong, you never know what tomorrow will bring.
I agree, it’s definitely made me into the person that I am…both the good and the painful. You meet a lot of people along the way, and I guess the hope is always that you meet more good ones than bad ones. Or at least one really, truly good one that sticks around. I’m glad you found someone like that! It means so, so much when you find them. Everyone needs people like that in their life…but especially the ones like us, I think.
Sometimes I think the world is backwards, we are the normal ones and everyone else is screwed up. You are right, our past made us the people who are are toda (good and bad), and for what I can see, we turned out very well. We learn from the past, live now in the moment, and try not to worry about the future. What I’ve been trying to do lately is try to stay positive everyday. Even if it’s off day, believe it will be better and we just got to take things one day at a time.
Exactly. One day at a time. Sometimes even less than that, one minute at a time…but we do what we need to do. 💙