A never ending nightmare

Another fucked up nightmare, come to grace me with its presence.

I’m never sure which is worse, the nightmares of my dreams, or the nightmares of my reality. They both come around to haunt me when it’s their time.

I’m just a failure born to lose. This fight was never mine to win. Not alone, not abandoned.

How can I succeed when I feel so destined to fail? A constant repetition of the theme that I’m not good enough. The voices in my head ever repeating.

Not good enough, not strong enough, not brave enough, not sober enough, not loving enough, not anything enough…I can never be enough.

I’ve done nothing wrong…but I’ve done absolutely nothing right.

Sleep is where you go to escape the demons.

But what happens when the demons follow you to your subconscious?

My husband, once again, a victim to my violent sleep. Flailing arms and legs, hoping to fight these dream demons off. A hopeless battle of course…you can’t fight off a ghost.

A war fought alone is not a war worth fighting. And the war against yourself is even more so a senseless endeavor.

If these battles are already lost, what’s the sense of the battles yet to come? My nightmares tell me I’ve already lost.

I’m weak. A failure. A loser. Broken. I’ll never be good enough, never succeed.

I’ll be alone in this forever.

Except, of course, for my nightmares.

Those, I’ll never be able to escape.

And that, perhaps, is the scariest thought of all….

An inescapable nightmare.

My fucking life.

I wish I could escape, I wish I could be better. Maybe one day, one day soon, I’ll grace this world with a beautiful exit.

But for now, for tonight, I’ll take the battles as they come. Waking up even more bruised and battered than I was before.

8 thoughts on “A never ending nightmare”

  1. Nightmares can drain the energy you had left out of you in a second. It’s horrible and no means of escape, except for not falling asleep. I’m sorry you struggle with them on top of everything. 😔

  2. You are not alone; and I assure you that you are more than enough. Don’t forget about the battles you’ve already won (and there have been many). Recognize that seeing another sunrise is a victory in itself… and that your family — especially your gorgeous lil’ ones — are of your own creation. Something that beautiful could only come from a person of beauty, Ms. Alana. 🥰

    1. I know I need to be more grateful for the little battles. I need to focus on what I did right…even if that feels like nothing sometimes.

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