Strong people don’t always want to be strong. Sometimes, we just need permission to fall apart.
That’s how I feel. People are always telling my I’m strong, that they “don’t know how I do it”, etc etc.
But I don’t always want to be strong. It’s…exhausting. It takes every ounce of effort that I have to simply live a life that requires me to be strong. And that doesn’t leave me with anything left in the tank.
Sometimes, what I need…what I think we all need, is just that permission to fall apart. The permission from someone else that it’s okay to be weak for a minute.
That it’s okay to fall apart, to break down, to let it all go.
I think that’s what I need right now. Someone to come up to me and just see me for exactly who I am and how I’m feeling, and tell me that they’re there, and that it’s okay to be a little bit broken right now. It’s okay to stop, it’s okay to rest, it’s okay to exist at a slower pace.
Maybe even that it’s okay to break down and cry for a while. That might be a nice change of pace.
Most of the time it feels like if I don’t do it, it doesn’t get done. I take care of everyone’s needs, I make sure everyone is fed and safe and has clean clothes and…just all the bullshit that goes in to maintaining a day to day life. I make sure the kids get to therapy every single day, I make sure their health care needs are met…all of it falls on my shoulders every day.
And frankly, there’s just no time for me to feel the feelings that I have. There’s no time for me to just…stop and allow myself to feel.
That’s when I feel like it would just be great if someone where to actually stop me, and give me that permission. The space, the time, and the understanding…so that I can fall apart.
And then maybe, just maybe, when I do build myself back up…I’ll feel stronger than I did before.
Right now, I just feel so weak. And I’m not doing my best. I’m not the best version of myself, because I’ve got nothing left to give.
Maybe there’s no one out there that can truly give me the “permission” I need to spend some time feeling as broken as I feel. Maybe I need to allow myself that grace, and say fuck the world about how anyone else feels about it.
But operating at a level that leaves me feeling so badly that I just truly, honestly want to die? That’s not okay. That means we pushed too far, we did too much, and we need to do something a little different now.
I wish my husband would give me the “okay” I needed right now. I wish he’d see me…like, really see me, and step up and act in the way that I need that makes me feel safe enough to just stop. He does his best, but I usually have to ask him for what I need.
And right now…I’m just too tired to ask. I don’t want to have to ask. Sometimes, I just want to be taken care of. Without me having to ask for it.
I want someone else to give me the permission to be weak.
So they can be strong for me.