More than I can handle

I’m officially 36 weeks pregnant. Everything hurts, everything is swollen, and I want to just lay down and not move for the next few weeks.

Sounds about right for where I’m at right now.

The weekends are usually reserved for me resting a little, for recovering and trying to get enough energy to deal with the coming week. But this weekend is basically booked solid, and to be honest, I hate it.

This weekend is the first day of the state fair, and for some reason, I told my kids I’d take them. I basically immediately regretted the decision as soon as I made it, but my 5 year old was so excited, I might as well have told him that I’m taking him to Disney World. It was cute, and I’m glad he’s excited…but damn, I know I bit off more than I can chew.

Despite the physically challenging aspect of this weekend…it goes a little deeper than that too. Today will pose significant emotional challenges for me, too. There are certain triggers that I’m having to deal with that have me missing my birth son extra, and that’s just…so hard for me to navigate.

There are things going on that I haven’t been able to bring myself to talk about or deal with, and that always makes it worse. This week I have therapy on Monday instead of Tuesday, and after the weekend I’m about to have…that’s probably a good thing.

While I do wish I had the weekend to rest and to do…nothing…I am glad that I’ll at least be able to make some fun memories with my kids before their whole world changes too. I know I’m not the only one around here who’s life is about to be majorly disrupted.

But I also know that I need to start being more honest and less filtered. So that’s going to be my goal for the next week. More honesty, even if it pains me and it feels…gross. Holding things back never helps me, and always just leaves me feeling isolated and alone.

But why I have to go walk around in 90° heat outside for hours today while being extremely pregnant? I don’t know. That just seems like a horrible idea.

At least my husband will be there not to panic if (and when) I pass out. He’s used to it, and it’s honestly just expected at this point.

I mean…

It will be fun. It will be great. So much yay.