As if last night wasn’t weird enough, going to therapy on a Monday instead of a Tuesday…my husband decided to come at the last minute too.
Now, I don’t mind him coming, and had no problem at all with it…but it did go…more difficultly than I expected. We’ve talked about all of the topics that we talked about before, but I guess I wasn’t expecting it to be as intense as it was.
A lot of times, the things that I talk about in therapy feel much more real and serious when my husband is there. Like, the weight of gravity is somehow twice as heavy, and it’s suddenly crushing me. Nothing we talked about was new or shocking, but it left me feeling very bad and inadequate.
Like I’m doing something, everything, wrong.
My husband and I came home and had a very normal night where everything was “fine” and we loved each other…but I don’t know. I just feel really weird about things right now.
Like I said, I’m feeling very inadequate, and very…at fault, I guess.
It’s like I’m not trying to, but I’m doing everything wrong. I’m feeling insecure and on edge, and I really don’t know why I’m feeling this way.
Therapy didn’t go poorly. It went well, I think, but I could tell I was beginning to frustrate my therapist, and I’m sure my husband was feeling some type of way, too.
I’m almost starting to feel like I’m just so flawed, that I can’t even begin to fathom all of the ways that I’m flawed, and that really, that I’m just fucked up beyond my own comprehension.
I guess sometimes, things just hit harder when there’s someone else in the room. I’m pretty used to my husband coming to therapy with me, so this wasn’t a new or unique occurrence. But I think it does hit differently.
Like, someone else being there forces you to accept a perspective that isn’t your own, and sometimes that perspective isn’t one that you want to see.
I don’t want to share the baby, I don’t want to talk about money, I don’t want to ask for help, I don’t want to accept help…I avoid what I want to avoid and I want to deal with what I want to deal with. And I know that isn’t fair, and it isn’t my choice what issues do and don’t get dealt with.
My husband has gotten quite good at…me…and the things that make me happy, shut me up, or otherwise placate me. And I’m the same way with him. But I know that isn’t an ideal scenario, and we both need to be better at having difficult conversations that make us uncomfortable.
I don’t know, like I said…It’s not like it went badly. I think it did go well overall, but the best way I can explain it is that I’m feeling inadequate. I feel like a lot of blame is (rightfully) put on me, and I’m just left feeling like a lot of things are my fault. No one said that, and I don’t think anyone necessarily did anything to make me feel that way…that’s just how I’m left feeling.
I am glad that he came. We need to keep having these hard conversations, and I think the more exposure there is to having them, maybe the easier they get.
I’m glad I have a husband who loves me, and a therapist who seems to tolerate me. Without a strong support system around me, I’d definitely be much worse off than I can even imagine.
And that’s a thought that really does scare me.