The past few days, I’ve been having a pretty hard time again. It’s been 2 weeks or so since I’ve been to therapy, and I’m going back next week….But that 3ish week break since having the baby is the longest break I’ve had in a long time. And I really need to get back.
I almost drank last night. The baby gave me another 5 hour stretch of sleep the night before, and I’m soo hoping that becomes a regular thing. He’s only 9 days old…but he’s seriously the best.
But still, last night I just kept thinking about drinking. Or whatever else I could do to…feel. Feel anything different than what I was feeling. Grief, over my friend killing herself, anxiety over everything, exhaustion…I just don’t want to feel it anymore. Any of it.
I didn’t end up drinking because I know that as soon as I start, I’m fucked. And I just don’t want to go there. I don’t want to go down that path again. But I can tell that I’m stumbling.
Since I haven’t been in therapy in a few weeks, it feels like I’m doing nothing productive towards managing my mental health. It feels like I’m falling, and there’s just nothing I can do about it. Like I’m letting myself fall head first into a pit of doom. I know it’s not really like that, and regardless of whether or not I’m going to therapy, I have to do this work on my own…but it does feel a lot more like I’m fighting this battle alone.
And lonely is not the way to fight this war.
This morning I woke up feeling just hopeless and sad. I’m worried that just like I feared, the depression is catching up with the anxiety that I’ve been feeling. Leaving me to be in a very dark place.
Sitting here, looking at my perfect, sweet little newborn, I shouldn’t be fwelding as badly as I do. But I’m still struggling. I’m having a hard time, I’m sad, and I want to drink.
And that alone, just feeling those feelings, makes me feel like a failure.
I’m still fighting. I’m not ready to give up yet. But I am stumbling, and I’m not feeling my best right now.
But I’m still fighting.
And I will for as long as I can.