The past few days, I’ve been having a pretty hard time again. It’s been 2 weeks or so since I’ve been to therapy, and I’m going back next week….But that 3ish week break since having the baby is the longest break I’ve had in a long time. And I really need to get back.
I almost drank last night. The baby gave me another 5 hour stretch of sleep the night before, and I’m soo hoping that becomes a regular thing. He’s only 9 days old…but he’s seriously the best.
But still, last night I just kept thinking about drinking. Or whatever else I could do to…feel. Feel anything different than what I was feeling. Grief, over my friend killing herself, anxiety over everything, exhaustion…I just don’t want to feel it anymore. Any of it.
I didn’t end up drinking because I know that as soon as I start, I’m fucked. And I just don’t want to go there. I don’t want to go down that path again. But I can tell that I’m stumbling.
Since I haven’t been in therapy in a few weeks, it feels like I’m doing nothing productive towards managing my mental health. It feels like I’m falling, and there’s just nothing I can do about it. Like I’m letting myself fall head first into a pit of doom. I know it’s not really like that, and regardless of whether or not I’m going to therapy, I have to do this work on my own…but it does feel a lot more like I’m fighting this battle alone.
And lonely is not the way to fight this war.
This morning I woke up feeling just hopeless and sad. I’m worried that just like I feared, the depression is catching up with the anxiety that I’ve been feeling. Leaving me to be in a very dark place.
Sitting here, looking at my perfect, sweet little newborn, I shouldn’t be fwelding as badly as I do. But I’m still struggling. I’m having a hard time, I’m sad, and I want to drink.
And that alone, just feeling those feelings, makes me feel like a failure.
I’m still fighting. I’m not ready to give up yet. But I am stumbling, and I’m not feeling my best right now.
But I’m still fighting.
And I will for as long as I can.
3 thoughts on “Stumbling”
Good on you that you were able to resist. It’s not only your family that deserves a sober you, you deserve it as well! Because now you see your family as they really are, you appreciate them for who they are and what they mean to you. I fear that having a drink will distort that view making you see and feel this ga that aren’t real. And it would be a shame to waste time and energy in something that’d not real.
I hope this makes any sense. You’re worth being you and yeah, depression sure sucks but you are allowed to feel bad and sad. Even though may people assume you’re happier than ever due to your baby being born, I understand your struggle. You don’t want to show your vulnerability, so you may pretend and that takes a lot of energy. Energy you might have less now that there’s a third little loved one asking for time and energy. 😊
You are worth not drinking. Feel bad when you do. Cry when you feel like it. I hope therapy next week will help you feel more at ease. I know you’re stronger than you may hive yourself credit to! 🤗 You can do this! Much strength from across the big pond. 😊
Drinking again would definitely change how I feel and how I view things. It’s one of the reasons I know I need to stay away from it.
Pretending definitely sucks a lot of energy out of me. So yeah, I definitely need to take the time to just…be.
Just be you. You may struggle. You may find things hard. You may make mistakes. It’s all part of being human. I hope you can keep up the not drinking and that you’ll feel better soon again! I’m rooting for you ♥ 🤗