Sometimes, I feel like the world is out to get me sometimes.
But I also know that I’m like…this fucking small, and the universe doesn’t actually give a shit about me.
Still, some days are hard. Today was hard as shit. I didn’t feel good physically, nothing went well at all, and I completely collapsed mentally.
Days like today make me question everything.
They make me want to give up. Throw it all away.
They make me truly question whether or not I belong here. If I’m really good enough to justify maintaining a presence on this planet.
Is there enough joy to justify the pain? Is there enough reprieve to make the suffering tolerable?
Days like this…where one drink turns to two…a few strong pours later…and the way out seems so sweet.
I know my tolerance to life is low. Today was a bad day. It leaves me wishing I had someone to talk to, someone to reach out to…someone who cared.
There wasn’t a moment that passed today that wasn’t challenging. And my fear is that this will become the norm.
It’s days like this, feelings like this, that remind me of the fragility of it all.
In one day, in one moment, everything can change forever. Couple that with loneliness and insecurity? And yeah, that feels really fucking scary.
My therapist is right.
For a person that prides themself on logic, I do make a lot of decisions based off emotion.
If only they emotion weren’t so powerful…if only I felt just a little stronger.
Today was a bad day. But maybe tomorrow won’t be.
For now, I’ll hold onto that hope. Because it’s really all I have.
A little bit of hope, some alcohol, and…..whatever else there is. Shit. As long as it keeps me alive for the moment…I guess I’ll have to take it.