Yesterday, I texted my birth sons parents asking where I should send his birthday presents, as I always do. (They have 2 locations they spend time and I wasn’t sure if it would be his spring break or not, which would mean they’d be at the secondary location).
I’m just going to post a picture of that text exchange rather than try to explain it.
There are so many feelings behind this text. So many emotions. For all of us, but for me, it’s a lot.
First and foremost, yes it is exciting. There is an aspect of…some sort of positive emotions.
But the OVERWHELMING feeling is more like panic, fear, anxiety, worry…it’s so much. It is so much.
It’s literally just all of the feelings. It’s hard because if that day ever does come (which I’m still in denial about) it’s going to open up some serious wounds for me.
Like…actually talking to him…and then just not again? Idk. It’s so hard. And I seriously don’t think I’ll ever be ready or strong enough. Like, I want him always. Not just…once. It’s hard to explain. If I can’t be in his life in the way that I want to be, I feel like it’s just going to hurt so much. Because I’ll always want more.
Right now, my birth son is a person who I don’t know, but love and miss so much it hurts a painful amount. But if I talk to him, he won’t be this mysterious thing that I don’t know. I’ll actually know him. And if I know him, I’ll miss him even more.
He won’t be something I can compartmentalize and push out of my head.
He will be my son. Because he is my son. But it will be so much harder.
I have absolutely no idea what a relationship with him would look like. Phone calls? How often? Visits? Again, how often, when?
It’s all so unknown. It’s so new. I never thought we’d be here…at not even 9 years old.
Of course I’ll do whatever it is that he needs. He is the priority. He always has been, and always will be. I will show up for him. If he says he would like to meet me in the moon, I’ll rent a rocket ship and meet him there.
My feelings don’t matter. His do.
And at the end of the day, whatever he needs or wants from me, he will get.
It is exciting. But it’s mostly terrifying.
Adoption is weird.