Are we there yet?

Last night, my therapist insinuated (or, really, flat out said) that our relationship might be something, bordering or resembling “secure” now.

Now, if you’ve been following along for a while now, you’ll know that we’ve been doing a lot of work with relationships and attachments, and trying to form secure attachments, as opposed to anxious or avoidant or insecure, which is where I am.

At first, the idea of that kind of freaked me out, and I immediately went into kind of panic mode, or well now I’m going to fuck this up mode.

After sitting with it, yeah, I don’t think she’s completely wrong. I do think our relationship is closer to bordering actually being secure than it ever has before.

But what if I mess it up? When if I do something wrong? What if something happens and I start feeling bad again and our relationship suffers as a result?

I guess, that, right there, that’s what makes it hard for me to have secure relationships. Because it’s my instinct not to trust. Or to assume that if something goes wrong, the relationship will end.

My therapist and I have been through enough over the past 8ish years to where, I guess I am kind of coming around to the idea that maybe she isn’t going anywhere.

And just maybe…she isn’t going to abandon me or hate me or give up on me. She’s stuck around through some incredibly dark shit. She’s always been there, maybe not always in the way that I wanted in the moment, but she’s never left me. And we’ve always been able to get past our difficult and strenuous times.

Things have not always been sunshine and rainbows. We’ve hit a good few rough patches along the way, to where I was absolutely sure she was going to get rid of me or give up on me.

But she didn’t.

And yeah, it has been nearly 8 years. But… maybe that’s just how long it had to to take.

So I guess, my question really is just that simple…are we there yet? Is this what “secure” is, is that what it feels like? Because “this”…whatever it is…feels good right now.

But it’s also going well. And when things go well…it always feels good. So how do I know the difference?

Will it be different once we hit a spot of tension again? Will we hit a spot of tension again? Ah, now I’m hearing her voice telling me I have to allow for ebbs and flows. But that’s so stressful!!!

People are weird. Relationships are weird.

If there’s anyone that can convince me that secure relationships can exist, it would probably be my therapist or my best friend. Those are the 2 people I think I have the biggest chance of finding true security in.

I’m always going to be grateful for the people in my life who have refused to give up on me, even when I was so set on giving up on myself.

Anyway, I’m left with a coloring page for this week, one picked out by my therapist.

It’s my reminder for the week to just let go. My husband is going to be on his own with all 3 boys for the first time…ever. For like 5 days. And as worried as I am…I need to just let it happen. And frankly, not care. I’ll deal with it when I get home. So this week, I suppose I’m fresh out of fucks. And yes, that does feel rather relieving.

I should be packing, because my flight is in like 20 hours, and I’ve yet to pack or clean or do laundry. So…yeah. But I’m getting the absolute best little baby snuggles right now and I really don’t want to move.

As excited as I am to get some SLEEP and be on my own (while still working and putting together the retreat)…I am going to miss this little boy so much.

Excuse the messy hair and sleepy eyes, I’m one sleep deprived mama. But I’ll trade sleep to have these cozy moments any day.