As I’m sitting here in my peaceful, quiet hotel room, I realized that this is when I usually write!
Instead of being stressed and overwhelmed and overtired, I’m instead sitting in bed, drinking coffee and watching tv.
I’m sorry…what? Who’s life is this?
The hotel I’m at is beautiful, the view is even better, and I’m feeling very…okay.
Last night I did struggle just a little but, my friend who I flew with, came up to my room and we did some work for the retreat. It ended up working out, because even though I’m insanely introverted, her being in my room and getting some work done together actually made the night better. Less scary.
Instead of letting the anxiety of loneliness and isolation take hold of me, we watched a baseball game, talked, and started working on putting the journals together for everyone who is coming over the next few days.
It’s Thursday, and people will start flooding in tonight.
We’re going out for Hibachi tonight for whoever shows up, and then maybe to a bar afterwards.
But…hold up. I don’t do bars.
First of all, I freaking HATE being around other people when they drink, unless I know them well and trust them enough not to do stupid shit.
Yes, I drink. But in a very controlled way and I absolutely know how to manage myself and not be sloppy and stupid and unpleasant or dangerous.
Which brings me to my next point…thanks to therapy, the way I drink now is very controlled. It’s measured and calculated and (more or less) consistent. How does that work if I go to a bar? How do I make sure I’m drinking around the same amount I normally would? So…that stresses me out a lot.
I freaked out a little bit yesterday because I realized that, even though I brought alcohol with me, I forgot my measuring glass. So I panicked, then problem solved, and Door Dashed a measuring glass, some regular glasses (which I’ll take home with me and it will be a nice memory of this trip) and some Trulys. Then I felt much better, and much more at home.
I mostly got the Trulys for other people, so if they come to my room, I have something to offer them and won’t be an asshole. People usually flock to my room, and I’ve learned over the years that’s it’s best to just stock up, and have something you don’t mind offering.
I actually ended up drinking less than my “allowed” amount last night, I think because I was so scared of being here by myself and going down that emotional rabbit hole. I know I need to be careful, and the memories of 2 years ago haunt me. Last year was fine because 1, I was pregnant and couldn’t drink, and 2, my husband came with me because the year before was so crappy for me.
It’s hard to deal with emotional weekends like these sometimes. And it’s even harder when you’re physically alone and don’t feel supported. Yes, this weekend is all about support, but I usually offer more than I accept.
So, that’s where we are today. I’m doing a lot of writing, drinking coffee, pumping for what feels like hours at a time, (I’ll probably end up getting sick because my right side does NOT pump well and it already feels clogged 😭) and I’m just hanging out. In the peace. And quiet.
I’ve written this ENTIRE post in one sitting, without being interrupted to wipe a nose or a butt or feed someone or yell at someone or take a dog out or drive someone somewhere. I just…sat down and wrote.
And that’s exactly the way writing should be done. That’s how it feels good (for me).
I don’t know what today holds, but I’m grateful for this moment of peace. Yes, mornings are the best and as the day goes on, so will my anxiety. But right now is good.
My baby boy is officially 7 months old today. I’m missing him, but I know he’s okay. They are okay without me for a few days.
But I’ll leave you with a cute picture of him because you only turn 7 months old once.