Yesterday, I traveled back from my retreat weekend and returned home. It was a rough day. I was fighting back the tears all day long, and I should’ve seen what happened next coming.
My husband picked me up from the airport, and we got home around 7pm. I jumped in the shower and did laundry, exactly like I wanted. By the time I got out of the shower, I was basically in full on panic attack mode.
I made a drink, drank it much faster than usual, and tried to calm down.
Last night, it wouldn’t have mattered what anyone did. It probably wouldn’t have matter if my husband showered me in rose petals and kissed my feet and bowed upon my arrival.
I think, no matter what anyone did, I was going to feel unloved. And I think a breakdown was imminent. I just didn’t think it would be as bad as it was.
I started getting more and more in my head as the night went on. I was upset, feeling like a failure, feeling like I didn’t have a place in the world and didn’t belong anywhere.
I’m a people pleaser to an unhealthy degree. I want (and need) people to love me. If everyone doesn’t love me, it shatters me to my core. And I’m pretty sure everyone was left with feelings of “love” for me.
But that pressure to perform, pressure to conform…pressure to be exactly the person that other people need the moment they need it…it’s intense. Since I had a hand in putting this retreat together, how people feel about it matters. I already know and love 95% of the attendees. And absolutely everyone has given me positive feedback and love and praise. Which, to be honest, I desperately needed.
But last night, I just completely shattered. And I broke the fuck down. I did everything wrong I wasn’t supposed to do. Everything.
I didn’t reach out (except for my friend from the Netherlands aka my Lesser Buddy, who I talk to every night). I drank more out of emotion, I self harmed, I basically just laid on my bathroom floor wanting to die.
It looked like so many bad nights from the past. I felt so worthless and like things would never be okay again. I still feel that way, to be honest.
I balled up a towel to use as a pillow, laid down, and was pretty set on crying myself the sleep on the bathroom floor. Alone, unloved, and unworthy.
My husband did eventually text me and I told him how I was feeling. Undeserving, unloved, and unworthy. He eventually came in to get me to bring me back to bed. Because otherwise, I absolutely would’ve cried myself to sleep on that floor. And maybe done some other things.
I’m still feeling really bad today. But I have therapy tonight, so I’m hoping that helps bring me more back to normal.
Like I said, it was the breakdown I should’ve seen coming.
Between the transition of going home, my introvert being forced extrovert, my soul crushing need for approval and for everyone to love me….yeah. It was a whole lot.
I did a good job this weekend, and everyone has told me such.
So for my own self worth to feel so shattered…I don’t know. I don’t get it.
Okay, time to collect the pieces.