When the darkness comes creeping in

A Sunday night after an impossibly long week.

Thankfully, I found a few hours here and there over the course of my chaotic weekend to have some moments of quiet for myself. Thankfully, I have a husband who recognizes my NEED for alone time…without the background noise of 3 boys yelling and screaming…either playfully or otherwise.

I mostly used those moments to eat (a rarity for me these days) and then usually, fell asleep.

My body is as exhausted as my mind is.

I have some weird bad feelings lately. I’m feeling extremely on edge…on guard…like something is wrong.

Like shit is about to hit the fan.

I can’t place it. But I’m typically never wrong when this feeling starts flooding in.

I’m trying to find the little wins, the small victories in my ever so chaotic life.

But the darkness is creeping in.

I’m telling you.

It’s literally right there. Something feels looming.

My son’s health is…simply put…not good.

It’s hard to ignore the darkness, this feeling of impending doom…when you just can’t help but to feel like your 12 month old baby could have an emergent event at any moment. When your financial worries, once again, take up too much space in your head. Because medical equipment is expensive. And so are a million therapies a week. And on, and on, and on.

The unknowns keep on growing. The uncertainties keep on multiplying.

Drown it out in alcohol.

Drown it in isolation. In fake smiles, and business and nothingness.

Drown it out… don’t listen to the noise.

The nights are quiet and still. No screaming, no chaos, no one to be responsible for (usually) but myself.

The only thing that remains is the noise inside my head.

A noise that Im desperately trying to ignore and silence.

So let the alcohol keep on flowing. The dark thoughts can’t fill up my head, if I fill it up with alcohol first.

6 thoughts on “When the darkness comes creeping in”

  1. I’m glad you found some moments for yourself.
    Take it easy. If your son’s health takes a turn for the worst, I doubt it’ll check in with mom first to see if she’s sober.
    You need to stay strong, day and night. ❤️

    1. Trust me, the paranoia and attentiveness remains no matter the time of day. Along with 2 monitors, one with continuous video recording that I can (and do) check in the morning. But yes, I know. You’re right. And it isn’t an excuse to drink more.

      1. I know! Trust me, I get it. ❤️
        Alcohol has been a demon for me before even the thought of any of my kids has ever been in existence. And all 3 of them having significant health issues just hasn’t helped the issue.
        But I know I need to work on it, and continue to work on it, and now allow it to be an excuse for getting worse. It’s just a weird life I live 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️😂

      2. I truly, deeply, hope you can overcome this demon and find other ways to cope with the traumas in your past and present. You are incredibly strong, and I KNOW you can handle anything thrown your way. I’m rooting for you 😘

      3. 🩵🩵
        A lot of therapy and the right network of support is the key for me. It’s what helps. I’m learning myself. And while life has CERTAINLY not gotten easier…learning myself has made it “easier” to handle. Strong relationships and a steady support system.

        And chocolate. Dear god, chocolate and coffee will get me through 🤣

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