A Sunday night after an impossibly long week.
Thankfully, I found a few hours here and there over the course of my chaotic weekend to have some moments of quiet for myself. Thankfully, I have a husband who recognizes my NEED for alone time…without the background noise of 3 boys yelling and screaming…either playfully or otherwise.
I mostly used those moments to eat (a rarity for me these days) and then usually, fell asleep.
My body is as exhausted as my mind is.
I have some weird bad feelings lately. I’m feeling extremely on edge…on guard…like something is wrong.
Like shit is about to hit the fan.
I can’t place it. But I’m typically never wrong when this feeling starts flooding in.
I’m trying to find the little wins, the small victories in my ever so chaotic life.
But the darkness is creeping in.
I’m telling you.
It’s literally right there. Something feels looming.
My son’s health is…simply put…not good.
It’s hard to ignore the darkness, this feeling of impending doom…when you just can’t help but to feel like your 12 month old baby could have an emergent event at any moment. When your financial worries, once again, take up too much space in your head. Because medical equipment is expensive. And so are a million therapies a week. And on, and on, and on.
The unknowns keep on growing. The uncertainties keep on multiplying.
Drown it out in alcohol.
Drown it in isolation. In fake smiles, and business and nothingness.
Drown it out… don’t listen to the noise.
The nights are quiet and still. No screaming, no chaos, no one to be responsible for (usually) but myself.
The only thing that remains is the noise inside my head.
A noise that Im desperately trying to ignore and silence.
So let the alcohol keep on flowing. The dark thoughts can’t fill up my head, if I fill it up with alcohol first.