You can’t break a broken heart

Sometimes, therapy just….is what it is. I knew last night would be hard. I knew I’d have to talk about the things that hurt the most.

And that’s exactly what happened.

As soon as I got there, she basically said “let’s color today, it seems like a good day for coloring”. I totally didn’t disagree. So we sat on the floor coloring for the next 2 hours while allowing my brain to both be distracted, but also more present than usual. Sitting on the floor and coloring is a certain amount of comforting. Or calming. And she knows that.

We started off talking about my sister. A topic that, apparently has become so hard to talk about that I just….can’t. The emotion is there. Oh, trust me, it’s there. But it’s like I’ve blocked and walled it off so hard that it’s just…seemingly impossibly. Or maybe just too painful. For me to access it.

So we talked about her for a bit. And prepared for her session in mid December when she’s scheduled to come with me.

And then we got …even more into it.

Into the thing that’s just…hard. Impossible, painful, heartbreaking…hard.

8 days ago, I texted my birth sons adoptive parents what I could get for my birth son and his brother for Christmas this year. Same as I do EVERY year, on birthdays and holidays.

My son is 9 and a half years old. My relationship with his parents has always been stable and predictable. Simple, yet extremely complicated…but, predictable. I text them before holidays and birthdays. Ask what I can do. They respond. I send gifts. Sometimes they’ll text me on Mother’s Day and acknowledge my existence. I always text them on Father’s Day to acknowledge theirs.

Our relationship has been lighthearted, absolutely ZERO drama, and just…straightforward. As much as a relationship between a birth mom and adoptive parents could possibly be.

But something changed.

I have my guesses as to why.

And I’m sure my guesses are more than a little bit accurate.

It was exactly a year ago when they told me that my birth son wanted to meet me. They went out of their way to tell me that “soon”, they’ll start the process of introducing him to me. I didn’t ask for that information, I didn’t go out of my way to look for it…they offered that information up. And over the next few months, it felt like they were going out of their way to communicate with me more. Send more pictures. Smaller updates. It was a NOTICEABLE shift in our predictable, standard conversation.

(I’ve written about all of this in great detail in the I miss you always category.)

Then all of a sudden, again, it shifted. Except this time, the other way. For what really seems like literally no reason at all, they kind of stopped answering. Or would take days to respond. Or I’d have to follow up because they didn’t exactly answer my question.

This has been a trend now for the past few months. I didn’t ask for more, and I didn’t ask for less. I will ALWAYS show up, but I am so, so aware and respectful of the boundaries that I’ve put in place on their behalf. So at the end of the day, they KNOW they can trust me.

They have my son. They are his parents. And they control the narrative.

They have never not answered a text before. Last time we talked, I texted them on a Wednesday, and they responded Saturday morning. It pissed me off, but, fine. You’re busy. Whatever. At least they responded.

This time? Nothing. The most simple text.

What can I get birth son and older brother for Christmas this year.

The way I see it, I have 2 options. Ignore it, assume (because they haven’t told me) that they’ve placed a boundary, and I need to back off…or, I can send them a CAREFULLY worded text…something to the effect of…

“Hey, I noticed that you’ve been more hesitant to respond lately. I’m wondering if there’s anything going on, or anything I’ve done that’s possibly upset you? If that’s the case, I truly am sorry and I absolutely did not mean to do anything that could be seen as negative at all! If you need more distance from me right now I totally understand and I’ll definitely step back. As always, whatever you need from me, I’m absolutely willing to do. Hope you’re all doing well.”

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what’s right here. If I do nothing, a lot of people get hurt. The kids that I parent, who love their brother SO much, will be hurt and confused as to why they don’t get to wrap and send gifts to him this year?

My birth son would be upset, because I’ve never missed a holiday or birthday. Ever.

We don’t need to talk about my feelings.

And sending a text like that comes with its own set of problems. Like…wow that’s vulnerable, and maybe I don’t want to know the answer.

I hate the position they’ve put me in. It’s an impossible situation with no right answers.

They hold the power. They have my son.

I know they’re scared. They are insecure, despite being INCREDIBLY high powered people and both literally famous (in the news all the time, interviews, stuff like that).

But my son wants me. He wants to know me.

And that scares the shit out of them.

They can’t break my heart. It’s already been broken.

But they are hurting their son. My son. He’s the one that suffers.

At the end of the day, it’s about him. None of us matter.

It has been, and always will be about him.

The adults in his life don’t get to be selfish. I’ve done the work. I wish they did too. They knew this moment was coming.

And even more fun? I started randomly losing my voice during the second hour of therapy last night. By the time I got home, it was completely gone and my throat was pretty closed. Not sick, no other symptoms…just…can’t talk. At all. Still, today, I literally have NO voice.

Maybe that’s it. Maybe it’s a sign.

Don’t talk. Don’t send the text.

I have no voice. Not in my adoption relationship, and not physically.

If that isn’t something to think about, I don’t know what is.

(((I miss him always, but today I miss him extra)))