Slowly but surely, we get there.

Procrastination has a way of sneaking up on you. You might think you’re good, have plenty of time, ahead of the game…and then you very quickly realize just how wrong you were.

I’m flying with all 3 of my kids in 37 hours. So, a day and a half.

I only just began packing.

Why?

Because, obviously, before I could pack, everything had to be cleaned and organized. So that means, all the laundry had to be done. Except for that the laundry is NEVER done. And things are never as organized as I’d like them to be.

There’s really only so long you can continue making excuses before you just have to open the suitcase and throw some things in.

I got pretty far today, but I’m certainly not done. I did 3 loads of laundry, including bedding and towels, and I’m still not done with that.

To be honest, I think I’m using the logistics that are right in front of me to avoid thinking about what we are actually about to embark upon….which is going to the NIH to be studied and tested and whatever else they want to do to us.

For example, today. My husband went to target. Because I needed some more acceptable clothing to be…examined in.

New bras (that have enough coverage to where I don’t want to kill myself when 25 doctors are looking at me), new athletic shorts, etc.

It’s a weird thing to have to think about.

That I should have to worry about having to buy new clothes that I feel comfortable being mostly unclothed in front of strangers in.

This is not my first experience with things like this. I’ve lived a very medical life.

I’ve seen probably over a hundred different doctors, none of which who seemed what to do with me. Had I think 12 major orthopedic surgeries up until this point, and have lived my life in pain for every single day of it.

So, as new and unknown as this entire experience will be, on some hand, I do know what to expect.

The logistics are protecting me from letting my brain wander to the places that only stand to hurt me.

My medical trauma is pretty significant. It isn’t something I talk about very often, and I think I try to act like it’s something that doesn’t really bother me as much as it does.

But it does. There are those things that send me straight into a panic attack.

I’ll give you a few examples.

– You know those IV machines? Well, they beep whenever the bag is empty. Or obstructed. Or fucking ANYTHING. They beep. All. Night. Long.

I’m traumatized by the IV machine beep.

The next one is weirder, maybe, so don’t judge me.

– I cannot handle it when my bladder is excessively full. Or, if I feel like I can’t fully pee.

Yeah, it’s weird. But my inability to effectively pee and empty my bladder has sent me to the hospital a shocking amount of times. So it’s just a thing.

– And…one more. My back. Don’t touch my back. Don’t approach me or sneak up on me. Because I’m POSITIVE that you’re holding a knife, and you’re going to stab me. I don’t know why this is a thing. But, like…whenever doctors need to touch my back, it’s like the worst thing in the world.

So yeah. And now you know some fun facts about me that you never asked for! Yayyy blogging.

I still have a ton to do. But I’m significantly ahead of where I was yesterday.

Tomorrow is Sunday, and we fly Monday morning.

I don’t know what tomorrow looks like yet, but I’m hoping there’s some room left for self care. Ya know, a long shower, a hot meal…maybe even a nap!

There’s a small chance my therapist can see me tomorrow, but I think that’s not very likely to happen. I definitely appreciated the effort on her part to even put it out there that it’s a possibility.

This week has pretty much been hell.

And honestly, there’s a lot to work through that just would end up getting ignored otherwise. Once I get back, things will be different, and that will be the focus. Figuring out how to….deal with all of that.

There’s so much going on in my head right now that I just don’t know how to say or talk about or explain. And I feel like I’m carrying so much heaviness.

And it’s only going to get heavier.

Okay. I’ve procrastinated (again) long enough. And I need to fold more laundry.