Check your impulsivity at the door

I will say, not having therapy last night really threw me off.

I’m a big fan of routine and consistency and normalcy.

But more importantly than that…I’m a big fan of self care. And healing. And taking the time for myself.

The 2 hours I get to spend in therapy every Monday is just that. It’s healing. It’s self care. It’s fucking hope that a future for me is even possible.

Of course there will be times when I miss it. One of us is sick. Or has a sick kid, or is away. Literally any of the life events that occur. So, I get it. And I’m not upset about it. It’s just a part of it.

But that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t suck, and that it doesn’t throw me off.

Anyway. As I write this, I’m currently sitting in my car. It’s not on, I haven’t brushed my hair yet or gotten dressed, but both my kids are buckled up and ready to go. Somewhere.

It’s almost 7:30am, and my 4 year old has packed a bag, and is insisting that we go to Disney World. He’s VERY adamant. And I’m definitely impulsive enough to actually try to make this happen.

I don’t necessarily have the nearly $10,000 (airfare for 4, hotel rooms, food, tickets…etc) it would take for the trip I’d like to plan? But hey. I don’t think he has the wrong idea.

Is it literally a terrible idea? Absolutely. It’s a horrific waste of money. Not that Disney itself is a waste, but to do it with no planning ahead and doing it in an impulsive way…that’s the part that’s wrong.

But did I look up flights anyway? Yes I did.

Did I look up if any resorts were available? Yes I did.

I still haven’t heard about the land. Because I’m being avoidant. And I don’t want to get my heart broken. So I’m not reaching out. If I don’t hear anything, I can’t get hurt. Simple.

So, since (in my head) I’m never getting land or a future and won’t be happy and I’ll be stuck here forever…why not indulge my 4 year olds sudden and intense desire to go to Disney World?

I’d love to. More than anything in the world, I’d love to do this. I’m getting slightly less terrified of traveling with them, and I think they might be getting to an age (6 and 4) where they’d appreciate what we’re doing.

Anyway. I’ve removed myself from my toxic 4 year old. Because if I stayed around him, we’d be driving to the airport right now. And we don’t need to be doing that.

My husbands mental health isn’t good right now. And now he’s telling me he wants us to go. Because he needs something to live for. Apparently, he just told me, that yesterday when he left for work and said “goodbye”, he was saying goodbye. He’s so miserable at his job and, even though he’s in the process of changing, it feels too far away. And he can’t stand the thought of going back another day.

So, that’s great.

Yeah. So I’m just checked out right now. Things are hard, and nothing really seems to be going our way.

Maybe we do all need a trip to Disney.

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