Earlier this morning, I had therapy. Yes, it’s Saturday. Yes, that’s quite unusual, and yes, I’m very glad that it happened.
We got home from our crazy trip to the NIH late last night after a chaotic and intense 12 hour travel day. Nothing about it was easy or smooth, but we made it, got showered and cleaned up, and all slept in our own beds. It was fantastic.
This past week was a lot. It was intense and odd and helpful and foreign all at the same time. The kids were sad to leave the Children’s Inn, and I told them we’d likely be back.
Throughout the entire week, my therapist has been checking in on me, along with me sending her updates as the craziness went on.
I was actually able to see her last Sunday night, the day before we traveled, which I don’t think I ever mentioned. But after the week I had leading up to that…shit. It was also incredibly needed and helpful then.
She offered to see me this morning and it was honestly really relieving.
As I told her, it feels like I’m coming back into something new. A….before and after, in a sense.
While we didn’t get any real “answers” this week, we DID get a lot of positive (abnormal) test results. And when your primary purpose is seeking an unquestionable diagnosis….thats exactly what you want to happen. Still, it didn’t make the test results, the what’s wrong with me, much easier to swallow.
When we all woke up this morning at home, all I wanted to do was escape. It’s like, the kids have never been louder, or more irritating than they are right now.
I need the noise to be just…gone.
I need a minute to collect myself after the week that we’ve had.
Therapy was helpful. We kind of broke down the week, went over some specific test results and the immediate impact it has, talked about the what next of it all…and it was just…good.
There needed to be some kind of outlet for everything in my head to go. This week coming up will be difficult. I’ll have to explain my journey to every one of our therapists and doctors. Over and over and over.
And I can promise you, it’ll take a lot out of me.
I feel guilty that I was so irritated my the presence of my family today, but I was. After spending an entire week trapped in a single room with them…yeah. I’m sorry. My brain is on fire, and I NEED to collect myself.
When I got home from therapy, my husband left with the kids and took them out for a few hours so I could have some quiet time. That’s what I’m doing now.
Thinking, writing, and existing in the quiet.
I appreciate these moments more than ever. And I know I’m lucky that I have a husband who is willing to give them to me.
I know I’m also incredibly lucky to have a person like my therapist who has proved over and over again that she is on my side, and that she, at least for now, isn’t going anywhere.
I have a lot of people in my life who come and go when it’s convenient for them. More often than not, they come when it’s easy, and go when it’s hard. Despite my ever strong presence in their lives, despite the circumstances, good or bad.
I’ve been through a lot this week. We all have, but it’s had the biggest and most direct impact on me.
The next few days I’m taking for myself. I need to quiet the noise inside of my head. It’s loud, it isn’t nice, and it’s saying things I don’t want to hear.
And for as loud as it is inside my head…I think that’s probably why I absolutely cannot handle the external noise.
So, I’m just going to allow myself the space to take a minute. Take a breath. Think the thoughts I need to think, express what I need to, vent and talk about it with the people I trust…and keep moving forward.
Support comes and goes. At least, in my life it does. And while I tend to offer it freely and unwaveringly to everyone around me…I know it doesn’t really work like that for everyone else.
But I will always be grateful for the people who stick around through the hard and the messy and the vulnerable. They’re the ones that leave an impact.
But right now? I’m going to enjoy my Starbucks, my rainy day, and my quiet time.
That sounds like the absolute best way to quiet a noisy brain.
