When my 5 year old son was younger, probably around 2 or 3, he used to know every word to the songs that came on the radio, or that I used to play while driving in the car. He’d sing, and he would get upset if I didn’t sing too.
He’d yell “mommy, sing!” at me, because it was unusual if I wasn’t.
Over time, as the months and years went on, I started singing in the car less and less. I just wanted to be quiet, to be still…to be nonexistent. Eventually, that became the new normal, and he stopped asking.
Then, I noticed even when I was by myself, when I would drive to doctor appointments or therapy or anything like that, I still wasn’t singing in the car. Something I always did, especially after therapy. Just blasting music and releasing whatever pent up shit I had in me. I just…stopped.
That’s the thing about depression. It steals your joy, it tells you lies.
With all of these doctor appointments lately, I’ve had a lot of alone time in the car just driving back and fourth. Which means that I get to pick my own (kid or not kid friendly) music. The perfect opportunity to blast the music and just…badly sing. If I wanted to.
But the problem is, I just haven’t wanted to.
The past few days, I’ve tried to force myself to, just to see how it would feel. How it would feel to not be so consumed and beaten down by depression…to just feel okay.
Depression steals a lot from us. Some things are easier to fight than others, but the things it steals add up. It’s so easy to lose the battle, to let it keep stealing both the big and little things. But sometimes, when we’re strong enough, when we’re able to…I think it’s important to try to fight against these things. Just when we can.
So, today, sitting at yet another doctor appointment…I’m going to force myself to blast music and sing to it on the way home. Just to see if I can.
Maybe it will help, maybe it won’t. Maybe I’ll feel less angry, less anxious…who knows. Or, maybe I just won’t. But either way…I’m just sick of letting depression steal my joy, steal all of these things from me, the little and the big ones.
Not today, depression. Not today.