Hey, universe? I need support too.

Last night was therapy. The last one for a few weeks, because she’s going on a (well deserved) vacation. Arguably, during the worst time of year (for me), but it is what it is.

My birth son’s birthday is officially less than a month away. And I am just…all up in my feels about it. Although I’m desperately trying to hide it.

We spent our time in therapy talking about a lot of different things. Recapping how last week went with my husband joining us with his therapist, how our communication is going in general, and, of course, attachment.

Attachment, specifically my extraordinary inability to form secure attachments to people in any significant way, is always an issue for me.

I have 3 relationships in my life that are the most significant and strong, that I hold a lot of value in. Sure, I have significantly more relationships than just 3, but if we’re talking about attachment, and specifically secure attachment…yeah, there’s 3.

My husband, my best friend, and my therapist.

And TRUST ME when I say that I’ve worked hard as hell to even try to trust these people in a capacity significant enough to even consider the possibility of them being “secure”.

Anyway, all that is to say that my best friend has been basically MIA for the better part of a month now. She’s going through a thing, which I totally understand and empathize with, but I’m not going to sit here and act like it’s been easy for me. We’ve gone from talking basically all day every day to…nothing. A text here and there.

And while *logically* I know that this has nothing to do with me as a person or our relationship in general, I’m not going to act like it isn’t hurting me. Or that I don’t miss her. Especially now, during my time of year when *I* need more support.

So, that eliminates her, 1/3 of my options, from being a person who can be the support I need this next month. That leaves my husband and my therapist. Okay…well my therapist will be away and out of state for the next 2 weeks…so that more or less eliminates her. And I do not intend to be bothering her at all when she’s away.

Leaving just my husband.

Listen. When my husband is good and everything is right with us, he IS the best support. Lately he has been pretty good.

So we were talking about just that last night in therapy. He even came in to talk with us for a few minutes after he was done with his therapy. (Mine is 2 hours and his is 1, so he comes to sit in my therapists lobby when he’s done, since we’re down to one car.)

A few minutes into our conversation with him about how he can support me specifically the next 2 weeks when my therapist is away…he gets a phone call.

Someone was calling him to give him an update on his dad’s health…who has been on hospice and declining pretty rapidly over the past few weeks.

His cancer has advanced pretty far, he can’t eat or drink or talk, is in a lot of pain, and was found unresponsive last night. They don’t think he has much time left at all.

So…you know what that means! Time to turn off my own shit, my own needs. And turn it around to be there for him. Not only that, he’ll probably end up having to fly down to Florida for who knows how long.

Which would absolutely destroy us financially, as we have no savings (thank you medical bills), one car (thank you, deer) and no PTO (thank you NIH, deer, flu and covid!)

So, that’s where I’m at!

No support for the immediate future, none of my 3 people that I know for sure I can lean on are available. It sucks. It fucking sucks.

I feel guilty and wrong talking about my own shit in general. So it’s taken me a long time to even accept the fact that I can use them as support, and ask them for help when I need it.

Well, now I need it. But it’s just me. For a multitude of reasons, they are all unavailable right now.

I feel like my head is going to explode. I don’t know who to turn to or where to go when I’m feeling things as intensely as it can get. This month is my worst of the year. By FAR.

And for at least the next 2 weeks, I’ll probably be dealing with it alone.

My son will turn 10 in less than a month.

My husbands dad will die.

I have to deal with it all on my own, all the while getting shit on by my parents for not being good enough, doing a good enough job…everything.

And carrying the burdens of everyone else around me.

I don’t have any more in me. I can’t be strong for anyone else right now. It’s too much, and I’m simply exhausted.

I need to be strong for me right now. And I can’t be, because everyone else in the world seems to need me more.

Like I said, I’ll take that hug, 20 pounds of chocolate and an IV of coffee now please.